Sunny Weather

After lingering cold, yesterday a new weather pattern moved in and we suddenly have summer temperatures (too warm for my liking!). I love being able to open the windows though, and seeing all the summer close out there.

Last night we went to the Lyons Club Pancake Dinner at the DECC. It is a massive affair, and it was our first time going. It was also Ben's first pancake dinner. He was so excited about it going in when we described the concept, and the actual event did not disappoint. He was especially happy about the blueberry syrup they had. Felicity was pretty tired, so its hard to tell if she liked it or not. We also all had our vision screened by my friend Sam with this cool camera that you just have to look at to tell if your eyes have certain issues.

Felicity's new developments this week... she is saying a lot of things specific to her books, like the book that says "oops" and the one that says "noooooooo". She tries to mimic these dramatic sounds. She is also trying to say more other things like "all done", "please", etc. When we have made it to the playground, she has loved the slides. She has also tried some "big kid" obstacles like ladders and the like, she jumps right in and tries!

Ben has been pretending to be an animal or monster or creature basically non-stop. Bloody Devil (a giant black and red sea serpent he made up), or Alligators, or Spiders, or Spinosaurus (apparently from Jurassic Park?) . He plays he is the baby. He asks repetitively if we are still playing we are the parents. He likes when I call him "baby ____" instead of Ben. He has been loving Magic School Bus books recently.

I*N*D*E*P*E*N*D*E*N*T (Do you know what that means?)

Felicity is asserting her independence these last few days. She want's to do everything herself.

The most comical (and ridiculous) example of this has been the drinking fountain at daycare. Yesterday at pickup she stood on the little stool at daycare and begged for us to push the button for her to make it run (owie! owie!... we need to replace this with HELP lol). When we pushed the button and the water stated, she would try to drink it. But she is not tall enough, so she would whine. But if you tried to pick her up she would cry and kick and squirm. Basically she could not physically do the task, but refused help. Fun times!

She wants to serve herself food, and not sit in a high chair. She wants to use adult plates and bowls. She wants to fill her own "big kid" water cup and drink from it herself (she climbs up on the toilet to reach the downstairs bathroom sink). She tries to put on her own socks and shoes. She loves to put on her own hats. She wants to run with the big kids (and in general, run away from us). 

It is a frustrating.. but fun. 

Felicity At 18 Months

Felicity is 18 months old today!
Yes. Time flies. This morning I got the comment at daycare from another parent -  "How is she already in the toddler room? I thought you were just pregnant?". I told her I felt the same way.

Felicity grows and changes every day. She gives the best kisses, and pretty good hugs too. And she likes to do these things.

Her vocabulary is still pretty limited, but she is in that phase where she thinks we can understand much more she is staying then we actually can, so lots and lots of trying new words. Her "for sure" words are Mom/Mommy, Dad/Daddy, Dog, Water, More, Owie, Hi, and Bye. She can say Yes (Yeah) if you remind her to use it, but much prefers to just break into a big toothy smile and giggles when the answer is yes. She shakes her head vigorously for no.

Felicity is very into self care and cleaning. She loves to help find her socks in the morning, and tries to get close on and off. She can put her own hat on and occasionally manages to get a boot on. She likes to pick things up, and wipe things off. Sometimes she dumps something out just to get to wipe it up. She loves being helpful. I love how when she is eager to do something (like leave the bedroom, go downstairs, leave the house etc), you can stop her and tell her what needs to be done first, and she tends to calm down and do it or try to help with it. (Example: Its in the morning and she is eager to go across to Ben's room, and maybe is whining or pounding on the door. I can say "Felicity, we need to get socks for Ben" and she will come back around and start looking for socks. Or, "Felicity, I need to put pants on me? Where are my pants" and she will come look at what I am wearing and maybe go to the laundry basket. Its a lot of fun.

Felicity loves to read books. Her favorite things are anything with dogs in them, or flaps, or objects to open. Did you know "Going on a Bear Hunt" has a dog on every page? Felicity does. She also has "Spot the Puppy" and a lot of Hello! Magazines that she loves. She likes adults reading her books, but she also loves just sitting on her own, "reading" (babbling) as she turns pages.

At daycare, she has been in the toddler room for about two months. She seems to love being there. She arrives home entirely exhausted, and has therefore been going to bed at 6pm on days she was at daycare. On days she stays home or with grandma she naps more and can stay up later. She is sleeping through the night most of the time, and I just gave her a pillow and blanket, though she isn't really using them yet.

Felicity likes to play dolls, play with stickers, and draw or color. She likes to take the helmet's off Ben's lego guys and put them back on. She has been doing A LOT of puzzles, with some help, but she gets better every day. She uses "owie" to mean help, so if a piece won't fit she says "owie!" which is both adorable and confusing at times. She likes to be outside. She likes walking in snow, or on grass. She has an opinion about what shoes she wears, and what jacket, but the opinion changes.

When Felicity is really excited, she does this hilarious little rapid leg motion that we now call "crazy legs", and its sort of a nickname for her. We also call her Fliss, Baby Girl, Felicity Jane, and sister. Mostly its Felicity though. I think my mom calls her Little Bits.

I am still absolutely in love with her. More every day, if that is even possible.

First Pigtails

Yesterday Felicity had her first Pig Tails. That is all.

Little Days (17 Months Old)

Felicity is 17 months old today.

I keep having the thought "Ben did not do this" and then wondering if maybe he did and I just don't remember well. I want to remember these days better.

I want to remember the way she sidles into my lap when I am not paying attention, so that suddenly my arms are full of her and she is doing whatever activity I am doing (this happens most frequently when I am playing something with Ben, like Lego).

I want to remember how much fun it is to have her try to say new words. She screeches as she tries to push her shopping cart over the lip of the tile, and I say "do you need help? Can you say "help please?"" and she says something that is vaguely but definitely like help please.

I want to remember how she says yes by a cacophony of laughter or a strange half nod movement of her head.

I want to remember her giggle. And what random things can make it come out.

I want to remember the sight of Benjamin leaning over to gently kiss her cheek in the bath.

I want to remember her walking around with a book pretending to read in a song of sounds.

I want to remember the feeling of her falling asleep in my arms as I rock her quietly in her room. And how she sometime hums and sings herself to sleep.

I want to remember her crazy legs, and that we call her "Crazy Legs" as a nickname because the little excited shuffle foot stomping she does.

I want to remember the curls of her hair and the softness of her cheeks and the deliciousness of her skin.

And how she tries to brush her own hair. And my hair.

And how, when she is in a clingy mood, and I try to put her down, she hangs off me like a monkey and uses her little feet to climb her legs back onto my hip.

And how she sits and waits on her little stool when she wants cheese-its.

And how she likes to look out windows.

And how she tries to crawl away from me, across the bed, when I am trying to get her dressed, and its a game to her and she giggles and laughs as I pull her back.

And how she tries to life her little foot up in the air to point at her sock or shoe.

And how she always picks the blue markers when she colors.

I will do my best to soak it all up.

Oh Christmas Tree!

We decorated the Christmas Tree this weekend. It was tons of fun! We decided to go with a fake tree for the first time ever this year, for convenience and flexability with our Holiday plans. We will probably switch year to year on real/fake as it makes sense.

Ben was super excited! He was being super careful with the ornaments. If something looked breakable he would gently set it down, or hand it to me and ask about it. He did not want to touch the breakable ones, even HIS breakable ones, he would point and tell me where to hang them. He was sad when we were done and he wanted to do more. I think we will do some little crafts so he has more to hang.

Felicity meanwhile grabbed a box of ornaments, a bowl of cheerios, and hid in a large box we have there in the kitchen (for the kids to play with) and sat there eating cheerios and throwing ornaments until we caught her. It was hilarious, even though she broke one. She is def more interested in throwing the ornaments then hanging them. LOL.

Maybe add some pictures later?

13 Months Old!

Time is a strange thing. It seems like it has been such a LONG time since Felicity's first birthday. SO much has happened. At the same time, how has it been a month? How have I not blogged for an entire month? Lots has changed.

If Felicity is not walking, she is not happy. She wants to walk everywhere we go. She wants to walk from the house to the car, from the car to daycare, and she does not want to be picked up and carried.

She loves shoes, both her own and her brothers. She likes playing with the velcro on them. Sometimes she just wants to play with them, other times she wants to try on as many as possible as quickly as possible. She also likes socks. And actually, clothes in general. And blankets. She seems to think getting clothes put on is magical and sometimes will laugh just watching me get dressed in the morning.

Within days after her first birthday she managed to get duplo legos snapped together for the first time. This made her so happy! She also loves to try and color, though her pressure on the crayon is still somewhat iffy, she has the general idea. She likes to stack regular wooden blocks and will keep stacking even if the tower falls (usually it falls when it gets tall enough to get hit by her swinging elbow). I think the highest stack I have seen is 5 blocks about.

She loves to have books read to her. Her favorite books are the Hello! magazines (Highlights). She also likes her Birthday present books - Doggies by Sandra Boyton and a farm animal flap book (she loves opening the flaps). She will try to look at other/bigger books on her own as well if given the opportunity.

She likes her brother's room, mainly because the small (toddler) bed. She will just climb on the bed, open a book, look at it for 30 seconds, climb off the bed. Rinse and repeat. She similarly likes to climb on and off chairs (or, if they are too tall, be lifted on and off). She will sit contently in a chair for several minutes, just because the furniture is novel to her. Especially if given a lap blanket.

I think she is teething (still). She has two teeth out and two or more on their way.

She loves eating utensils. Usually these days if she is reaching for your plate it is to try and get your fork or spoon (or knife!!), not your food. As far as food goes she loves meat, and given her free reign meat and dairy are her favorite things to eat. She likes fruit too and some veggies and carbs, but meat and dairy is where it is at for her. She loves trying to use cups, but she also likes to spit the water/juice back out for fun and it dribbles down her chin.

There is a picture of her on this date (10/22/15). It is at the Glensheen Spooktacular. Maybe I will post it later.. maybe I won't. Keeping true to my description, she wanted to walk for the entire event, and she got upset when she couldn't go back to things that "interested" or or take interesting looking side paths and steps.

What I want to remember most about Felicity at this time of her life is how JOYFUL everything is. She LOVES life and is constantly amused, fascinated, and eager to learn live and grow. Its pretty amazing.

Happy Birthday Felicity!

Her "1 year Photo Shoot" 

Felicity turns 1 year old today. I keep having moments where I think back to what I was doing at this time one year ago... 12:17 PM. The contractions were starting to get tough, but still manageable. I think I was watching Hot Fuzz.

I hope to make another post, when I have photos available to me, concerning her great birthday party.

I also hope to make another post, when I have time, concerning my personal reaction to the birthday.

But, for today, allow me to just get down in writing what a fun, adorable, awesome little one year old I have on my hands.

Felicity walking more and more confidently everyday. She still will drop to her knees to crawl if she really wants to get somewhere fast, but walking is more and more her go-to for mobility with each passing day. Over this past weekend she finally achieved the ability to turn around. She is so proud when she walks somewhere!!

As mobile as she is, she is not as mobile as she wants to be. She delights in her older brother's running, jumping, and climbing, and attempts to mimic it when given the chance. The most recent chance came yesterday afternoon. We have two steps then a landing in our living room. Ben was leaping off the landing onto the living room floor. Felicity decided she should try this too. Needless to say I spent the next half hour standing near the steps to be there when Felicity threw herself off the top with no regard for safety. She has taken some tumbles this way but nothing serious.

Felicity wants to learn new words so badly, she points at things to get us to say the words. She really is working on the word "dog". She loves pointing out dogs and says "Da!" in a very meaningful way. She is also interested in cats but hasn't started a specific word for this. She makes the uh-oh sound... not the actual Uh-Oh, but the sing songy intonation the word has. She has an "m" syllable that she intends to mean "more" sometimes. That is about it for words she tries to say (along with her pitch-perfect imitation of the phrase "there she is"), but she definitely understands more than she speaks. She can answer some basic yes-no questions, specifically concerning food. Do you want more of x? and she will nod or shake her head vigorously and accurately to reflect her feelings. She will do this for some questions at random too. She also understands some "commands" (though whether she chooses to follow them is a separate question), such as "Sit Down" "Walk/Can you walk?" "where is ____?" "Find your pacifier" "go get ____" Etc. And as I said, she WANTS to learn more words.

Speaking of the dog, she loves to pet/touch the dog, especially the dog's face. She is also too interested in the cats and we had her get scratched by Gandalf one time. We are working on gentle petting and no hitting/grabbing... its a long process.

Felicity remains pretty clingy to me. If she is tired, she wants me first, but will take daycare workers, or DH, or my mom as a substitute depending on the situation. If she is awake and in a great mood she will be less clingy and let many people play with her/hold her.

We are still breastfeeding. She does not sleep through the night, not even close. I am sure these two things are linked but I am not willing to give up one to help the other.

She is, currently as we speak, working on cutting her first tooth (late bloomer in that regard).

She absolutely loves crayons, and to mimic anything her brother does with them. She knows they will draw on paper and seeks out things to draw on. She does not press them quite hard enough to consistently get a mark, but she sure tries.

She also loves cell phones, and tries to unlock them, and play with the touch screens. She has sent a few texts off my phone and maybe made a call or two. She has had her first "baby surfs the internet" moment when she managed to get from one of Ben's Apps on my kindle onto the internet (a message board page I use).

She loves peekaboo and laundry. She likes to take all the laundry out of a basket and play peekaboo with each article as she removes it. Sometimes she tries to put them back.. sometimes.

This morning she was delighting in pulling Kleenex out of the box and trying to play peekaboo with each one.

She loves water - bath time, beaches, lakes. Whatever. She likes to splash. She is not afraid of getting her face wet (yet) and loves to pick up sand/rocks and try to through them. Often her throws go backwards over her head rather than forwards. She has hit herself in the head throwing rocks at the beach. This love of the beach is why we did some of her 1-yr pictures at Brighton Beach.

She actually is kind of a picky eater... she doesn't always try new things. She is quite the carnivore and will eat most meat we give her. She loves olives, pickles, cottage cheese, goldfish (or other small) crackers, applesauce, ice cream, lasagna....

This girl knows what she wants. Last night at dinner she kept asking for something off my plate and getting more and more upset. I couldn't figure out what it was and had tried all food items, so I held my plate over to her, and she grabs my fork out of my hand. She often starts the day off at daycare by demanding a certain toy or book be handed to her. She is not very easily redirectable unless perhaps you happen to have a pacifier to distract her while you switch focus.

She likes reading books. Some she lets us finish, some not so much, but if I want her to "warm up" to someone new, handing that person a board book or Hello! Magazine is the way to do it. Her favorite books seem to be ones with animals (like Moo Baa Lalala), and the Hello! Magazines.

One of her favorite toys is a wooden "loading ramp" that her uncle made for Ben. It is about 6 inches tall and has a ramp down one side. She loves to sit on the flat part and/or slide down the ramp. Lately she has been trying to stand on it. It is a surmountable obstacle to challenge her gross muscle coordination.

She wears size four diapers and is switching from 12m clothes to 18m clothes. Her Drs appt is Friday, so I will get actual stats then as to her height/weight.

Insert your standard "time moves fast" phrase here. Hard to imagine that it has ever been different than this, that we have only had her a year, that she has changed so much in this past year. We absolutely love her and look forward to spending more years with her.

The First Three Weeks

By this time in Benjamin's life, I had made three posts already! Oh Felicity, you poor second child.

We only stayed in the hospital for 24 hrs with Felicity. We were anxious to get home where we could take care of Felicity AND Benjamin.

One of her Coming Home pictures.

People keep asking me if Felicity is a "good baby". All babies are good. That is what I tell them. Who is going to say they have a bad baby? I know, what these people are really asking is if she is an easy baby or a hard baby... does she sleep well? Eat well? I tell them these things too... after assuring them she is a good baby regardless of my answer to these questions. 

Felicity took to breast feeding very easily. We have had no real latch issues or supply issues. My milk came in about 40 hrs after she was born and she adjusted to it easily. She does like to click her tongue sometimes when she eats, but she still is clearly getting enough food. And, as with Ben, she only takes a few minutes to eat fully from one side, and usually one side fills her up. Sleep wise, she does fine for a newborn. She has had a couple of nights where she didn't want to go back to sleep after waking up at 3 or 4am... those are exhausting. We have also had a couple excellent nights where she slept for a 4 hr chunk. But, mostly its waking every 2-3 hrs. Pretty standard stuff.

Her first night at home. Originally I used a blanket swaddle, then a Halo Swaddle Sack, then one night she spit up on it and I didn't use any swaddle... and she slept the same. So no more swaddles for Felicity.

She isn't a screamer for the most part, though she is louder then she used to be. Really, she only cries if we put off her food too long (either because we want to change her diaper first or because I am hoping she will go back to sleep...) or occasionally if her diaper change results in a mess and outfit change. (Or if her brother smacks her in the head, but that is a separate issue).

I guess that is an issue I can address next!! Ben has been a doting brother. He really loves to hug and kiss her. His hugs really are him rubbing his head against hers, which I can understand because (1) I do that to him and (2) her hair is SO SOFT. He tries to hold her hand, tickle her toes. Mainly he just likes being close to her. We have had two incidents where he made her cry, and thankfully neither in the last week or so! The first one was our first incidence of sibling on sibling violence. Ben was frustrated that we turned off his movie, and decided to take this frustration out by smacking Felicity in the head. That was not fun. At least three of the four of us ended up in tears (though Felicity is no worse for the wear). The second was, as far as I can tell, an accident. I didn't see it. Benjamin says he "pushed to hard" on her, and I have the tendency to believe him. 

Ben's first time holding his little sister.

Felicity's nickname is Squeaker, or Beaker the Squeaker. She makes lots of little squeaking noises, and has since birth. Her dad occasionally calls her Fiji, an interpretation of how her initials would be pronounced. She likes to be held, she likes when her dad sings soccer fan songs and football fight songs to her. She does not mind the car seat. She likes being warm and cozy. She likes to sleep in the late morning the most.. (like right now). She sleeps well in the Moby wrap as well. 

Tummy time!!

 

She does have some oomph to her muscles! Pretty much the day we came home she did a "sit up" in my lap where she curled up and forward. She does well with head control, and, believe it or not, she has already rolled over once!! Front to back. I have been looking for a repeat performance to assure it was not a fluke, but no such luck. She comes close frequently though, just wiggling her little torso and twisting it every which way when she gets upset in tummy time. 

First bath!

She had her first bath! Her umbilical stump fell off rather abruptly, and left some oozing, so we let it heal a bit before doing her bath. She actually didn't mind the bath at all! Nice warm water! What she didn't like was coming out of the warm water!! She also doesn't like having her eyes covered, so when the hoodie towel (or any hoodie or hat) falls over her eyes she becomes upset.

Play Time!

We have not been cautious at all with taking her out... hopefully that does not come back to bite us. She HAS already had a small cold (gift from her brother I think). It was nothing serious. She has been at Target multiple times as well as several other stores, the mall, and many restaurants, both of our workplaces, and other offices (like to get her added to insurance), and of course to the park when it has been warm enough, her brother still needs to play!! 

Overall, the transition to two kids has gone smoothly. DH does most of the stuff with DS so I can focus on her, but we occasionally switch off, both for the sake of bonding and our sanity. The big upcoming challenge will be when I return to work. I have a "plan" for how to get ready (pacifier at 1 week, pumping at 2 weeks, bottle and nap schedule at 4 weeks), but even with that, learning to get out of the house on time is guaranteed to be a challenge! Wish me luck. Allow me to leave you with one more picture, just because she is cute. 

Birth Story (the second time around...)

Felicity obviously did not want to come on her own. At my appointment on Sept 18th (40w6d) my numbers were exactly the same as they had been for weeks (1cm, 50%), not even far enough along to try a membrane sweep. With my induction scheduled for Sunday night (Monday morning), I pretty much resigned myself to the induction process and did my best to enjoy my last weekend pregnant; not an easy task.

I have to admit, I spent the weekend alternating between strong anxiety and waxing philosophic (with a sentimental bend). The two images from the weekend that I wanted to remember as being related to Felicity's birth: the leaves really started to change color, (tufts of red and yellow amongst the green of hawk ridge), and the sunflowers in my mom's garden in full bloom.

Sunday evening. The moment had arrived. I put Benjamin to bed and DH&I headed to the hospital (leaving MIL&FIL at our house). We arrived at the hospital around 7:30pm and got all checked in. They checked my cervix and I was at 2.75cm - I had progressed quite a bit since my last appointment! That was very promising for a successful induction. My midwife came in and placed a Foley bulb. Normally, the Foley just is meant to prep the cervix and help dilation, but it made me start contracting. I had really regular contractions for about two hours and we were hopeful my body would take over, but they died off and changed to just cramping around midnight and I tried to get some sleep. (As a side note, they offer/promoted the Foley as an out patient procedure. I can't imagine doing this. It was incredibly uncomfortable/awkward having it in at the hospital, and it made me bleed. Going home would have been a disaster).

In the morning I had a small breakfast, then they removed the Foley and started a pitocin IV. I was at 4cm.They started the dose really low, and came in every half hour to up it. It took a long time for anything to start. Finally I started to get some mild contractions around 11am, but still so mild and inconsistent. I say in a yoga ball and watched a movie. The contractions intensified around 1pm to the degree where it actually felt like labor (strong and regular), and then continued to worsen quickly. At 3pm I moved from the yoga ball to the bed and they checked me again. I was starting too try and figure out if I could really go "natural" because the pain was significant. I was at 6.5cm, just shy of my 7cm mental goal, so I hung on and continued without meds.

The nurses kept saying it would be soon now, and then backing off. Well, they should have been more confident. After that things really went fast. Soon I was in extremely intense contractions that felt like I couldn't continue to endure. After a really intense contraction I felt the baby move, which seemed odd, but she must have slipped the rest of the way into position because at the next contraction I felt the pressure to push. The nurse checked me, I was 9.5, just a rim, and ready to push. She called the doctor and they started to take apart the bed for labor. Those 2-3 contractions were the worst, all this pain/energy and not able to push yet (it's called transition and it's notorious). Then they said to go ahead and push as I felt the need. I pushed on my own once or twice. She was right there. The doctor said I was tearing, likely in the same place as Benjamin's birth (which was not pretty). The doctor wanted to do an episiotomy and I wasn't going to object, I just wanted to be done. I pushed 3-4 contractions (which were very close together), the first two they told me to push gently because the episiotomy, then I pushed hard for two, and Felicity came right out! They plopped her on my stomach, she started crying right away.

She was perfect. The nurses could not find anything to mark her down for, even her fingers were nice and pink, so she was given an apgar score of 10 (despite the nicu unit having been called in, they wetter wrong about the meconium). The nurse said she hadn't given a ten in years. I held her on my chest while they delayed the cord clamping, then I watched the doctor cut the cord and I scooped her up. It was an incredible experience, and surreal because how fast we went from me feeling the pressure to push to holding her in my arms (really, an hour from 6.5 cm, can I do this to holding her in my arms).

She cried for quite some time, and didn't calm until DH held her for a few minutes. Then he handed her back to me and I breastfed. DH started calling people and the room slowly cleared out. Eventually the nurse measured her - 7lbs, 13oz, 22 inches long!! Tall baby. Our baby, our love!!

--------------------------------------------------------

 A Comparison

I assume it is natural to compare birth experiences between children. DH claims some of the differences a perceive are due to recall, but here it is anyways.

The biggest obvious difference was that with Ben I went on my own, this time I was induced using pitocin, a drug that mimics oxytocin and is labeled as "the devil" by many women due to the intensity of contractions it can cause.

Benjamin (no meds)                                        -----   Felicity (pitocin)
40w6d.                                                                   41w3d
Labor was 10-20 hrs depending.                             Labor was 3-6 hrs, depending.
I pushed for 2+ hrs.                                                I pushed for 15-20 minutes
No epidural/pain meds.                                           No epidural/pain meds
I tore naturally, second degree.                               Episiotomy, degree unknown.
Contractions intensified slowly.                              Contractions intensified very quickly.
I was "trance like" and hardly knew time               I was very aware of surroundings and time.
       was passing.
Mentally, I felt like this is what my body                Mentally, I didn't trust the process, I felt
       was doing and I trusted it and needed                    like my pain was being caused by the
       to just accept/get through it.                                     IV, could be stopped, and might not be                                                                                                                                                            working.
I had limited monitoring. I was more free             They were constantly monitoring and                    
       to move around. No monitors to watch.                   fiddling  around with my cords.
When he was born, I didn't really feel it.                I felt her slide out very distinctively and  
       and had to be told it was done. I was                       knew I was done. I was much more
       on auto pilot to push.                                             aware and present.
They whisked him across the room to be            They plopped her on my chest still attached
       weighed/measured.
Stitches & placenta delivery were extremely        Stitches & placenta delivery were quick
        painful. Maybe the worst part.                               and relatively painless (twinges).  
I bled more post partum then they wanted           I bled more post partum then they wanted
        and had to remain on meds.                                   and had to remain on meds.
I stayed in the hospital 2 nights with baby,          I stayed in the hospital for the minimum 24 hrs,           
               by choice.                                                                  by choice.
Three weeks after delivery I still had                   Three weeks after delivery and pretty much 
       muscle/skeletal pain and pain due                           feel great. No muscle/skeletal pain and  
       stitches. Short standing tolerance.                          very very occasional twinge from stitches
                                                                                                  Normal tolerance for standing. 



So... Basically what I am saying... is this birth was easier in many ways. It went faster, and contrary to my research and preconceived notions, the episiotomy has made for a MUCH easier recovery than the tear did.  I am glad I listened to my doctors on that one... I think it really depends on the person. In my case, w the history of a bad tear, the episiotomy made sense. Also, a smooth induction has its strengths, so fast! I think my nurse who was managing the pitocin was great, she got it right. Despite the intensity of contractions, I never had them one after another as you hear about in the Pitocin horror stories. And it was so nice having the baby born at 4pm instead of 2am. I really think the shorter labor is why I am doing better in recovery regarding muscle/skeletal pain. It was more difficulty to "go natural" with Pitocin/induction because I was not able to get into any sort of rhythm or "trance" with the labor, somewhat because it moved fast, but also because of the IV and monitoring and mental block. Of course, this lack of focus on my part made me much more aware of the birth itself and in that way the experience was much better... well and that the hospital handed her directly to me instead of whisking her off to measure right away. Anyways,that is the comparison. Both births had their ups and downs, and induction wasn't so bad. Because it went smoothly. (The problem is, you can't know in advance if it will!!).
      

The First Trimester (a Recap)

This post's main purpose is to document how my first trimester was different, physically and emotionally, in this second pregnancy than in my first.

More Anxious: My first pregnancy, we had announced it to the whole world by around 7 weeks, and I didn't have major qualms about it. I knew things could go wrong, but I figured they were more likely to go right. This time around, I felt much less sure things would go right, and it showed. I was much more cautious about what I ate, what I did, and who I told. While I did tell my immediate family and close friends immediately. I did not feel comfortable telling anyone else until we heard the heartbeat for a second time at 10.5 weeks. Even then I was unsure about telling. This is kind of unusual.. usually its first time mom's that are the most paranoid. A friend suggested that it was because this felt "too good to be true" and I suspect she was right. With Benjamin, we expected the treatment to work, so the pregnancy felt like it should "be". This time it was an awesome shock, it felt too good to be true, like something HAD to go wrong. That feeling has dissipated quite a bit now, thankfully!!

The Same Nausea: Just like in my first pregnancy, I had a lot of low-grade nausea starting around 6 weeks, but minimal actual vomiting... so pluses and minuses! I guess its better than barfing after every meal, but its still quite obnoxious.

Yes to Mexican Food!!: Like last time, Taco Bell (and Mexican in general) sounded way too good all the time!! Having a particularly nauseous day? Time to head for a 7-Layer Burrito.

Yes to Sweets! Last time I didn't crave sweets at all, and in fact was repulsed by many of them in the first trimester. This time around I craved sweets right alongside the salty. Particularly persistent cravings have been Skittles, S'mores (or anything with this flavor combination), Dr Pepper, and licorice.

More Involved: Last time I avoided pregnancy boards. This time I joined a bunch. Basically, these are online groups where all the women who are due the same month can communicate. I am in a Facebook Group with about 50 other September 2014 mommies to be, as well as on a national forum with about 50,000 September mom's to be (yes you read that right... 50K). It is unclear whether this increased involvement is the cause or result of the anxiety! LOL. I prefer to think its the result... I want other people to talk to about pregnancy. But, the downside of groups like this is that you see all the bad things that can happen. Many women have left these groups due to MC, birth defects, etc.

Same Body: I don't feel like I REALLY showed any early or am any bigger than last time. But I haven't had a chance to compare pictures either.

Lighter Starting Weight: I started this pregnancy off about 15 lbs lighter than my first pregnancy, and am just now, at 21 weeks, nearing my pre-Benjamin weight. I don't think I will get near as big, or have as much net weight gain as the first time around (but we shall see).

I can BREATHE! (or at least I could): Last pregnancy, I was extremely short of breath in the first trimester. That wasn't an issue this time around. I am confident that the difference is that last time I was on progesterone supplements for the first 10 weeks, and this time I was not. Of course I am getting short of breath now at 21 weeks.. but that is more expected!!

Less "Sunshine": My first pregnancy, being pregnant was like a talisman, no matter what was wrong, the fact I was pregnant (thinking of that) could turn my day around. This time it hasn't been so easy to stay upbeat. I am very happy to be pregnant, and it does make me smile to think about, but it can't solve everything like it could last time. I think that has a lot to do with the increased anxiety I experienced. Now that I am feeling baby move, its easier to be happy. 

One "Scare": I didn't have any scares with my first pregnancy. This time around I did have some bleeding around 19 weeks that sent me into a panic. A visit to the doctors office revealed a harmless polyp.

Seeing as that last one got much more into 2nd Trimester.. I think that sums up the first!!

Toddler Bully (and blossoming big brother)

I got a bad report from daycare today. Benjamin got in trouble. He dumped his oatmeal on another kids head. (Twice... but lets not get into this part because I think its a daycare fail he was given a second bowl). He thought it was funny. I was also informed that he always targets the same child, someone smaller than him. No parent wants a report like this. It was much easier when he was the kid getting bit... its easier to be the  parent to the victim than the aggressor, at least in the Toddler room.

As soon as we left the toddler room I sat him down to talk to him. I asked if he had done what they said, and he said he had, that it was funny. I said it wasn't funny, it was mean, very mean, and he shouldn't be mean. He seemed to get it, but I wasn't sure. Later, when DH joined us in the car, I told Benjamin to tell Dad why he got in trouble. Benjamin very reluctantly said "I dumped my oatmeal on someones head". DH said it wasn't nice. I said it wasn't nice. You could feel the tension in the car. A few seconds past, then DS said in the most pitiful, guilty-feeling voice ever - "Next time I will eat my oatmeal". I am pretty sure he gets he shouldn't dump oatmeal on someones head now... I just hope he can extrapolate it a bit to other behavior. At a minimum, to "I shouldn't dump food on other people". If we are lucky it would be "I won't be mean". But, I don't think he is old enough to understand what is mean and what is not. We will have to work on it.

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In more friendly news, Benjamin is warming more and more to this whole "big brother" thing. We first told Benjamin about the pregnancy when I was about 11 weeks along and had just heard a healthy heartbeat again. We told him he was going to be a big brother. He didn't get it at all. He said "maybe later" and wanted to go back to playing. We tried saying a baby was coming but he didn't get it. I would mention it here and there trying to get it to sink in for him. He usually responded with "not now" "I don't want to", and one time with the oh-so-adorable "I am too little". I added in the information that baby was growing in my belly. This somehow seemed to make it more real for him.

The first time he acknowledged the baby was because I was morning sick. He asked if I was OK when I was gagging/retching while changing him one morning. I said I was fine, that sometimes the baby made me a little sick. About ten minutes later as we got ready to leave, and I gagged again, he said "Baby make you sick?" and pointed at my stomach. I said yes! But I was OK, and told Ben his hug made me "all better". A couple weeks later, Benjamin agreed to wear his "I'm a big brother" shirt to daycare. I asked him right before dropping him off if he was going to be a big brother, to make sure he would respond OK (and not freak out), and he said yes. Apparently he spent most that day though telling the daycare workers he would be a big sister. LOL.

It seemed to become even more real for him last week when we told him it was a girl and he would have a little sister.  He has started talking about the baby in a loving voice, and wanting to see my belly. Over the weekend he asked if the baby likes trains, and with some prompting says he will have to teach her about trains and how to do puzzles. He even said "MY baby" tonight when talking about it. It was quite adorable.

The WHOLE Story - Secondary Infertility

DH and I started hoping I would get pregnant again pretty much the day my son was born. We had heard the stories - how sometimes people who struggled with primary fertility (first time), had no issues the second time around. We wanted to be that couple. The freak small percentage who get pregnant again before they even get their normal cycles back. Irish Twins were on my mind. I think the main reason I wanted this so badly is because I was so afraid of the opposite... of a long secondary infertility struggle (secondary meaning after a successful first child) that would result in months (years) of heartache and maybe leave Benjamin an only child. I was relieved when at my 6 week post-partum check my nurse understood why we didn't want birth control and didn't push the issue. That said, I knew it was unlikely. Breast feeding is about 85% effective as birth control, and when you add our history of infertility on to that, I knew it probably wasn't happening. But a girl can dream.

Our infertility is unexplained, like many other couples. This means that the doctors cannot give a concrete reason things aren't working, time just shows they aren't. Because of this non-diagnosis, we decided to not jump right back to IF treatment, but rather to give mother nature a bit of a chance. So, when my period returned 6m post-partum, the real journey began. We officially (not just in my fantasy world) returned to TTC (trying to conceive). Any woman who has ever tried to get pregnant knows what this means to some degree. Its a stressful time, and every month that passes with a BFN (big fat negative) is more stressful, and more depressing. Let me tell you... it IS easier the second time around. It is easier being disappointed month after month when you can turn away from the bathroom and watch your son run laughing down the hall. But its still hard.  I found my "symptoms" ... my infertility mindset, returning piece by piece. Bitterness. Anger. Frustration. They really came back into full swing around July 2013, when we had officially been trying a year with no success (this is the definition of infertility... a year of trying with  no success). No longer was I experiencing "probable" secondary infertility, now it was real. Any doctor would refer me to a specialist and suggest I start considering my options for treatment. I found myself having extremely selective jealousy. I didn't fault first time mom's for having their first child, but man, all those women with toddlers around Benjamin's age who had already provided a sibling or were announcing their pregnancies? That stung, that stung a lot.

As we approached the end of the year, we also approached the "time limit" we had agreed upon for letting nature take its course. Anticipating IF Treatment in 2014, we changed insurance providers to one that has some coverage. I started to give up. Even as I was eager to stop facing month after month of bad outcome,  I started to dread all of the appointments and stress that goes along with treatment. Every passing day I was less convinced we could avoid treatment, but I still procrastinated on making the call to set up that first appointment. The thing about IF treatment is that is simultaneously offers more hope, and means your closer to the point where nothing more can be done. This is especially true in our case where we know exactly what treatment we would be trying, and, if it fails, how bad it would be for us emotionally, and how much "back at the beginning" we would be.

November came. Two months left before our time limit. November went, and my cycle didn't end. I still was getting a negative pregnancy test, but something was obviously not right. Finally, several days late, my period came, and was very light. I highly suspected an anovulatory cycle (no ovulation - no chance of pregnancy). Of all the problems I was used to facing, I had always believed I had at least a chance every month, so to find out that in November I hadn't even had a shred of a chance was crushing. I emailed the doctor and asked for an infertility appointment. I had pretty much lost all hope of getting pregnant on my own and was at a pretty low point.

December proceeded. I focused on the holidays and travel plans. TTC was still on the back of my mind (isn't it always), but felt pointless. We traveled down to Kansas and had a fun Christmas with my In Laws, and I enjoyed time as a family trying mostly not to think about our infertility struggle, hard to do when there is an 8 day old baby at the family party, but it was a great trip.

We got home (in stages). I had people over for a fun game night on New Years. We celebrated Benjamin's second birthday. Our guests all left and we prepared ourselves to settle back into our normal routine. My infertility appointment was scheduled for Monday, January 6th, first thing in the morning. I was two or three days late and assumed I was having another annovulatory cycle. On Monday morning though, just to make sure I had all the information for my doctors appointment, I decided to take a pregnancy test.

It is hard to explain to people how much of a shock/surprise it was that the test came up positive. I can almost feel people thinking "but you were trying" "but your period was late" when I tell them this story. But, it was truly the shock of my life. When you have actively tried to get pregnant for 48 months of your life, and took many many many pregnancy tests that were all negative, over and over and over, when you have given up hope and assumed that it was time to move into treatment,when you have just came off of one of the more devastating cycles the month before, that second faintly pink line is truly unbelievable. It is the first positive pregnancy test I have seen in person in my life. We didn't have one with Benjamin because we had blood work done instead. When that second line showed up, I started shaking. I stood there in my bath robe starring at it, waiting for it to disappear, thinking "this cannot be real, no way is this real". My first impulse was to not tell DH, but to go get it confirmed by my doctor. I didn't believe it and didn't want to drag him into the "false" hope. But, rationality one out. I knew that pregnancy tests have virtually no false positives, that even though I couldn't believe it I was most certainly pregnant, and he would want to know (had a RIGHT to know). So, I went and got him out of the bedroom. I said "can you come here for a minute?". He came into the bathroom and I pointed at the test. I think he was in as much shock as me, but more excited/less paranoid! (You would have to ask him). He was thrilled. I told him that I would go to my doctors appointment and get blood work done to make sure it all added up. And we very anxiously/excitedly went on with our morning.

I can tell you, I shocked the nurse practitioner when I said "I know this appointment is for infertility consult, but I took a pregnancy test this morning and I am pregnant". She was thrilled for us and obliged with a blood draw, and got me an appointment with the OBGYN office. Noon that day I checked my online blood results and got confirmation that indeed I was pregnant. DH of course started telling work IMMEDIATELY. He called and told his parents too. He can't keep secrets, and I knew that even though I was nervous, keeping it secret wouldn't do any good or make it easier if something didn't turn out. So, I texted all my closest friends, and we went and told my parents that evening (and called siblings). The rest is history (I actually might write a whole second post about how this pregnancy has felt emotionally different then the last, but I think this post has grown long enough).

One last list of funny/weird/ironic things:

Things I did in the 10 days before finding out I was pregnant -
- Pulled out a big unpacked box of clothes from our crawl space, intending to purge and re-pack it. Most of it is maternity clothes.
- Bitterly took "Your going to use the Potty" and left "Your going to be a Big Brother" in the kids section at the libary.
- Told my mother-in-law "There is NO WAY I am pregnant", despite being in my two week wait, because I had totally given up hope.
- (This is the weirdest, in my opinion)  Found an "I'm a Big Brother!" Sweatshirt in my sons room. It was a hand-me-down freebie that I had not taken out because it obviously didn't apply. I assume the cats dragged it out of his closet while we were out of town.

Also, when we told my parents I was pregnant, my mom said that several months ago we had asked DH when we would be having a second. She says that DH told her "January". DH does not remember this. I assumed he meant that is when we would start IF treatment, but its still kinda weird.

Spring Festival/Easter 2014

 I didn't do much to prepare for Easter this year. Heck, we didn't tell Benjamin what the Easter bunny is until last night. Yet it still turned out to be a great holiday.

On Saturday, after what now is our routine of swimming lesson followed by Starbucks followed by the library...

Allow me to digress. Hilarious conversation with Benjamin right after swimming.
Ben: I want to go to the Library
DH: The library is closed. We will go to Starbucks first, then the Library will be open. 
Ben: No! Starbucks is closed. The library is open. I want to go to the library.
Me: Benjamin, that's not how language works.
Ben: Yes that IS how language works. 
 
and also after a nap for Benjamin, we headed out to my parents house for an Easter Egg Dyeing party. The adults got set up in the living room doing Ukrainian Easter Eggs (also known as Pysanka) while we set up the traditional PAAS dyes for Benjamin in the kitchen. (Meanwhile, the majority of the family dogs raced around outside and found some deer parts to chew on). The guest list included my parents, older sister, her husband, her FIL, MIL, and Grandma IL, my brother and his wife, my little sister, and us three. I have discussed Ukrainian eggs before. Its an old art form that involves covering an egg in wax to preserve one color dye before dipping it in the next color. It is a lot of fun. We seem to manage to do it about every other year.

Ben and egg dye... that was hilarious. We had both the regular dye kit, as well as these painting devices from PAAS. Benjamin did not understand he should be careful with the eggs. The first couple he pretty much dropped from 6 inches into the cups. I am sure it didn't help that this cracked us all up. Also, he kept tasting the dye. The boy must like vinegar. Once he had an egg in all six cups, he said "are we done?" and ran off. Then, when he figured out we could CHOOSE when to take the eggs out, he proceeded to leave them in for a LOOOOONG time. There were four eggs that he left in the dye so long that they were actually having dye peel off of them when we tried to dry them off. LOL! The painting devices... I think they call them Color Snaps, they are pretty cool. Its basically like a quip-tip that is pre-filled with dye, and when you snap them open the dye flows into one end of the quip-tip turning it into a paintbrush. This means you can add the spots and strips to the eggs easily (you know, like how Easter eggs are always portrayed in books). The one egg Benjamin used these on is gorgeous. Unfortunately he also decided to put it in his mouth, dyeing himself bright green/blue, so we decided not to do anymore. I plan to get more of these for sure for next year.

Saturday night when I was putting Benjamin's pajamas on, I explained that tomorrow was Easter, that the Easter bunny would come and hide eggs and leave him treats. His immediate reaction was fear ("I don't want the bunny to come"), but after some discussion of the fact the bunny was nice, and there would be candy involved, he decided it was OK.

This morning Benjamin got up around 7. At first he wanted to stay up stairs and read books (pretty typical), but then we reminded him about Easter and he was so gung-ho he didn't even want to bring his stuffed friends down (not typical). He walked down the steps and immediately spotted the Easter Eggs. He chose one, picked it up and opened it, found the M&M inside, looked at me as he acted like he was going to put it in his mouth. I nodded, he put it in, bit into it, and a BIG grin spread across his face. Really big. Funny how fast he found more eggs after that! He shared his M&Ms with us and was very excited and smiley. We helped him find some of the harder eggs. When they were all found we opened a couple of gifts from his Grandparents (my ILs). They got him a copy of "What does the Fox Say" picture book, as well as The Fox and the Hound Disney movie, both to go along with his requested stuffed fox, which he is absolutely in love with. (There were other gifts for the family as well, thank you N&N!!). What great gift choices. We read the book pretty much immediately, listened to the song and danced around, and then a bit later watched a good chunk of the movie, which he really paid attention to.

After a morning nap for Benjamin (not the usual routine but we wanted to squeeze it in), we headed up to Two Harbors to go for Easter Brunch. The resort had lots of stuffed animals (as in formerly living, now stuffed), and Ben loved looking at them. Unfortunately he wasn't very interested in eating, which is sort of a theme now. After that we took him back to my parents house, stuck some rain boots over his dress clothes, and let him play in the mud. The weather was SO gorgeous. It was nice to just sit outside in the sun and soak up the rays. It was a really great Easter.
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For those of you who have stuck with it this long. I am sure you already know this, I have announced it pretty much everywhere EXCEPT here. It seems fitting, on this day that celebrates Spring Renewal, new life and fertility, that I take the final steps in making public that I am expecting a baby! Due date is September 12th, meaning I am 18w2d today. This has been part of the cause of my blog silence. Hard to talk about my life when there is something so big I didn't want to post about yet.