39 Weeks

39 Weeks pregnant... one to go.

Things are going well!!
By this time last pregnancy, I was pretty desperate for baby to COME OUT. Mainly though this was because I was anxious about the fact my doctors wanted to induce me for no good reason (They alleged that IVF made me higher risk to go over-due, but that is blatantly false if you read any research on it. Increased risks with IVF end around week 20).

Anyways. This time there is no talk of inducing me earlier than any other healthy mom would be encouraged to induce. Actually I haven't discussed induction with my doctor at all yet, which is the way I like it. It shouldn't be part of the conversation until I am at my due date.

But, allow me to get off my soap box and tell you how things are going.

We decided at my appt this week that the baby has dropped. I suspected it from the increased pains and pressures, doctor confirmed it. No other signs of progress really. I have been 50% effaced and <1cm dilated for the past two weeks... not even as progressed as I was with Benjamin at this point. I fully expect this baby to arrive on or, more likely, after her due date of 9/12. I have some increased pressure and pains from her dropping (frankly it kind of feels like I got kicked in the crotch), slightly increased swelling but still not severe, occasional heartburn. Some days my back our hip hurts, but it's not everyday. My knees don't like the extra weight I am carrying. Some times I feel like there isn't enough room in my abdomen for all my organs our my lungs.... pretty normal pregnancy symptoms really and nothing bad or consistent. That is probably why I can be so patient. I am far enough along that I would be ok with going into labor, but I feel no urgency for it. I also have this notion that I still might get some stuff done before she comes... we will see!! I am craving sweets, especially anything with peanuts or peanut butter.
No big plans over the weekend. Hopefully watch a lot of football and do some more cleaning nesting. I hope to post a Benjamin update soon.

32 Weeks Pregnant

32 weeks pregnant today... 8 weeks left.
Wow. Time flies. I can't even began to describe how fast time is passing for me these days. I know, it does for everyone.

People keep asking me if I am getting excited, they think I "cant wait"... I hate the question for two reasons. First, because I have been excited for months, so no I am not just now getting excited. Second, because if anything, I want time to slow down. I don't want to rush these months. Even if everything works out perfect with my life, I will get to spend precious little of it pregnant, and I enjoy being pregnant. I enjoy the anticipation. I enjoy the excitement. Of course I want to meet my little girl, but I want to enjoy every day until I do meet her as well. Not to mention, I just have a lot I want to do still before the chaos of a newborn.

I know, part of my ability to nonchalantly want pregnancy to slow down is how good I have been feeling. I mean, of course I am tired and have aches and pain, but nothing major. I am in a facebook group with about 50 other moms who are due in September, half of them seem to be falling apart- SPD (google it... sounds horrid), swelling, back pain.... thats not me so far. (Knock on wood). I had one week about a month ago where I felt crappy (sore back, hips, etc). I thought that was the beginning being miserable, but it miraculously went away. (knock on wood again..). So what symptoms do I have? ... Lets see. I need to pee a lot (and need to work on my Kegels if you know what I mean). I get tired easily, and its difficult to lift things up from floor level. I can't carry Ben too far. Some headaches. Occasional heartburn. Occasional morning gagging still, but I haven't thrown up in weeks. Just in the past three days, possible VERY mild swelling in my feet. I am hormonal and tear up at just about ANYTHING. Thats about it.

I am not sure how it compares to last pregnancy... I didn't blog about my last pregnancy. I may have had a physical journal where I wrote down symptoms, but I haven't bothered to look for it. BUT I feel like its easier. I feel like this pregnancy is a bit easier than last time. I don't know if that is accurate though. Last pregnancy I remember being INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE for sleeping.. I am not sure when that started. I had a whole pile of pillows I slept on and still ended up sleeping sitting up half the time. So far this pregnancy, no issues sleeping to speak of, besides the cat Nox not accepting that my belly took her spot. I use one extra pillow, and am comfortable. Last pregancy, I started swimming to alleviate back pain around 28 weeks (and could tell if I hadn't been in too long, I had to go at least every 3-4 days). This pregnancy, I have not had significant back pain (knock on wood).

On the other side... Last pregnancy I followed the doctor-prescribed "don't lift more than 20 lbs", this pregnancy I lift and carry a 30lb boy on a daily basis. This pregnancy, I walk up 6 flights of stairs a few times a day because I hate our building's elevator. I don't know if these things are the difference... but I feel like they might be helping. We will see how I do in the days to come.

The Perfect Pregnancy Omelet

If I had no filter, then I would post something about food on Facebook about every five minutes. I also would tell at least 4-5 stories about things my son did every five minutes.

But I do have a filter. Except to my poor coworker who hears all my food thoughts as we sit next to each other and I blabber on. Poor Lyz, I apologize,

But this is my blog, so I can blog about food if I want to! And stories about my son.

First, the food.

Yesterday, I craved eggs. ALL DAY. I got an egg&cheese omelet in the morning, which was a nice stop gap, but wasn't going to cut it for a solution.

So when I got home, I started chopping. I chopped up a third of a large onion, and threw it on my omelet skillet (yes. I have an omelet skillet, one of the few speciality pans I have, thanks Dad!). Then I chopped about half of a green pepper, through that on. Then a few slices of roast beef sandwhich meat. Then an entire avacado. After the onions had started to soften I dumped all that into a bowl and added a shake of cumin and dash of onion salt. I beat four eggs and poured them onto the omelet pan, let it cook most the way through, then sprinkled it generously with shredded gouda and cheddar (Target brand has shredded gouda! Best purchase ever...), put the veggies on top, folded it over, and let it cook for a few more minutes with a pan lid over it.

After that, I dumped it on a plate, slathered it with sour cream, and put a generous pool of sriracha on my plate for dipping. It was so amazingly good. I "paired" it with a pile of fresh berries (strawberries, raspberries, and blackberries), and a couple blueberry pancakes. It was pretty much the perfect meal.
But enough about food.

Two Benjamin stories for you. The first was already put on facebook, but I want it in this record book.

I have been reading Benjamin a text-heavy picture book version of The Wizard of Oz. It is illustrated by Charles Santore, and I am very interested in getting some of his other books. This adapation of The Wizard of Oz uses only original Baum language, but condenses the story considerably. Pretty cool. Anyways, I have been reading it to Ben. It has taken probably 5-6 sessions spread over 2 weeks to finish. I have asked him some questions along the way to see what he was comprehending, but its hard to tell how much he is enjoying/following the story and how much he is zoning out in a pre-bedtime stupor. So we finished it a few nights ago. We were taking a walk around the high school here and they have some red sidewalk pieces along the curb. DH and I made a comment like "Oh its a red brick road", and Benjamin added his contribution - "Dorothy followed the yellow brick road". It was pretty cool, he knew the character name and everything. He hasn't seen the movie, but we sang the yellow brick road song for him now and he loves it. I am hoping he wants to read this story again, maybe it is his first "fantasy" book... a great intro for when I want to read him Harry Potter some day... LOL

The second Benjamin story is a toddler story. While I was finishing up my excellent Brinner feast last night, talking to DH, Benjamin was in the other room playing. All the sudden, he runs into the dining room and very proudly states "I got the bubbles out". uh oh. LOL. I sent DH in there while I ate the last couple bites. Benjamin had taken out his bubble solution from where I keep it near the front door, opened it himself, and poured it as best he could into the little dish we put it in... About a tablespoon made it into the dish... the rest was all over the shoe rack, shoes, mittens, and floor. He was so proud though, I couldn't be mad. LOL. I did say "next time, maybe you should ask for help so you don't spill so much". We will be needing to purchase some additional bubble solution soon. LOL. On a related note, we got him a Spiderman Bubble Blower for Easter. (THIS ONE - but no we did not pay $30 for it, more like $5 at Walgreens). Anyways, it is great for a toddler because it is easier to dip into that tray then into the bottle, and it offers a mouthpiece to blow rather than counting on a toddler to judge where they need to blow and how hard. He loves it.
Thats my thoughts for the day... hope you enjoyed them. 

The First Trimester (a Recap)

This post's main purpose is to document how my first trimester was different, physically and emotionally, in this second pregnancy than in my first.

More Anxious: My first pregnancy, we had announced it to the whole world by around 7 weeks, and I didn't have major qualms about it. I knew things could go wrong, but I figured they were more likely to go right. This time around, I felt much less sure things would go right, and it showed. I was much more cautious about what I ate, what I did, and who I told. While I did tell my immediate family and close friends immediately. I did not feel comfortable telling anyone else until we heard the heartbeat for a second time at 10.5 weeks. Even then I was unsure about telling. This is kind of unusual.. usually its first time mom's that are the most paranoid. A friend suggested that it was because this felt "too good to be true" and I suspect she was right. With Benjamin, we expected the treatment to work, so the pregnancy felt like it should "be". This time it was an awesome shock, it felt too good to be true, like something HAD to go wrong. That feeling has dissipated quite a bit now, thankfully!!

The Same Nausea: Just like in my first pregnancy, I had a lot of low-grade nausea starting around 6 weeks, but minimal actual vomiting... so pluses and minuses! I guess its better than barfing after every meal, but its still quite obnoxious.

Yes to Mexican Food!!: Like last time, Taco Bell (and Mexican in general) sounded way too good all the time!! Having a particularly nauseous day? Time to head for a 7-Layer Burrito.

Yes to Sweets! Last time I didn't crave sweets at all, and in fact was repulsed by many of them in the first trimester. This time around I craved sweets right alongside the salty. Particularly persistent cravings have been Skittles, S'mores (or anything with this flavor combination), Dr Pepper, and licorice.

More Involved: Last time I avoided pregnancy boards. This time I joined a bunch. Basically, these are online groups where all the women who are due the same month can communicate. I am in a Facebook Group with about 50 other September 2014 mommies to be, as well as on a national forum with about 50,000 September mom's to be (yes you read that right... 50K). It is unclear whether this increased involvement is the cause or result of the anxiety! LOL. I prefer to think its the result... I want other people to talk to about pregnancy. But, the downside of groups like this is that you see all the bad things that can happen. Many women have left these groups due to MC, birth defects, etc.

Same Body: I don't feel like I REALLY showed any early or am any bigger than last time. But I haven't had a chance to compare pictures either.

Lighter Starting Weight: I started this pregnancy off about 15 lbs lighter than my first pregnancy, and am just now, at 21 weeks, nearing my pre-Benjamin weight. I don't think I will get near as big, or have as much net weight gain as the first time around (but we shall see).

I can BREATHE! (or at least I could): Last pregnancy, I was extremely short of breath in the first trimester. That wasn't an issue this time around. I am confident that the difference is that last time I was on progesterone supplements for the first 10 weeks, and this time I was not. Of course I am getting short of breath now at 21 weeks.. but that is more expected!!

Less "Sunshine": My first pregnancy, being pregnant was like a talisman, no matter what was wrong, the fact I was pregnant (thinking of that) could turn my day around. This time it hasn't been so easy to stay upbeat. I am very happy to be pregnant, and it does make me smile to think about, but it can't solve everything like it could last time. I think that has a lot to do with the increased anxiety I experienced. Now that I am feeling baby move, its easier to be happy. 

One "Scare": I didn't have any scares with my first pregnancy. This time around I did have some bleeding around 19 weeks that sent me into a panic. A visit to the doctors office revealed a harmless polyp.

Seeing as that last one got much more into 2nd Trimester.. I think that sums up the first!!

The WHOLE Story - Secondary Infertility

DH and I started hoping I would get pregnant again pretty much the day my son was born. We had heard the stories - how sometimes people who struggled with primary fertility (first time), had no issues the second time around. We wanted to be that couple. The freak small percentage who get pregnant again before they even get their normal cycles back. Irish Twins were on my mind. I think the main reason I wanted this so badly is because I was so afraid of the opposite... of a long secondary infertility struggle (secondary meaning after a successful first child) that would result in months (years) of heartache and maybe leave Benjamin an only child. I was relieved when at my 6 week post-partum check my nurse understood why we didn't want birth control and didn't push the issue. That said, I knew it was unlikely. Breast feeding is about 85% effective as birth control, and when you add our history of infertility on to that, I knew it probably wasn't happening. But a girl can dream.

Our infertility is unexplained, like many other couples. This means that the doctors cannot give a concrete reason things aren't working, time just shows they aren't. Because of this non-diagnosis, we decided to not jump right back to IF treatment, but rather to give mother nature a bit of a chance. So, when my period returned 6m post-partum, the real journey began. We officially (not just in my fantasy world) returned to TTC (trying to conceive). Any woman who has ever tried to get pregnant knows what this means to some degree. Its a stressful time, and every month that passes with a BFN (big fat negative) is more stressful, and more depressing. Let me tell you... it IS easier the second time around. It is easier being disappointed month after month when you can turn away from the bathroom and watch your son run laughing down the hall. But its still hard.  I found my "symptoms" ... my infertility mindset, returning piece by piece. Bitterness. Anger. Frustration. They really came back into full swing around July 2013, when we had officially been trying a year with no success (this is the definition of infertility... a year of trying with  no success). No longer was I experiencing "probable" secondary infertility, now it was real. Any doctor would refer me to a specialist and suggest I start considering my options for treatment. I found myself having extremely selective jealousy. I didn't fault first time mom's for having their first child, but man, all those women with toddlers around Benjamin's age who had already provided a sibling or were announcing their pregnancies? That stung, that stung a lot.

As we approached the end of the year, we also approached the "time limit" we had agreed upon for letting nature take its course. Anticipating IF Treatment in 2014, we changed insurance providers to one that has some coverage. I started to give up. Even as I was eager to stop facing month after month of bad outcome,  I started to dread all of the appointments and stress that goes along with treatment. Every passing day I was less convinced we could avoid treatment, but I still procrastinated on making the call to set up that first appointment. The thing about IF treatment is that is simultaneously offers more hope, and means your closer to the point where nothing more can be done. This is especially true in our case where we know exactly what treatment we would be trying, and, if it fails, how bad it would be for us emotionally, and how much "back at the beginning" we would be.

November came. Two months left before our time limit. November went, and my cycle didn't end. I still was getting a negative pregnancy test, but something was obviously not right. Finally, several days late, my period came, and was very light. I highly suspected an anovulatory cycle (no ovulation - no chance of pregnancy). Of all the problems I was used to facing, I had always believed I had at least a chance every month, so to find out that in November I hadn't even had a shred of a chance was crushing. I emailed the doctor and asked for an infertility appointment. I had pretty much lost all hope of getting pregnant on my own and was at a pretty low point.

December proceeded. I focused on the holidays and travel plans. TTC was still on the back of my mind (isn't it always), but felt pointless. We traveled down to Kansas and had a fun Christmas with my In Laws, and I enjoyed time as a family trying mostly not to think about our infertility struggle, hard to do when there is an 8 day old baby at the family party, but it was a great trip.

We got home (in stages). I had people over for a fun game night on New Years. We celebrated Benjamin's second birthday. Our guests all left and we prepared ourselves to settle back into our normal routine. My infertility appointment was scheduled for Monday, January 6th, first thing in the morning. I was two or three days late and assumed I was having another annovulatory cycle. On Monday morning though, just to make sure I had all the information for my doctors appointment, I decided to take a pregnancy test.

It is hard to explain to people how much of a shock/surprise it was that the test came up positive. I can almost feel people thinking "but you were trying" "but your period was late" when I tell them this story. But, it was truly the shock of my life. When you have actively tried to get pregnant for 48 months of your life, and took many many many pregnancy tests that were all negative, over and over and over, when you have given up hope and assumed that it was time to move into treatment,when you have just came off of one of the more devastating cycles the month before, that second faintly pink line is truly unbelievable. It is the first positive pregnancy test I have seen in person in my life. We didn't have one with Benjamin because we had blood work done instead. When that second line showed up, I started shaking. I stood there in my bath robe starring at it, waiting for it to disappear, thinking "this cannot be real, no way is this real". My first impulse was to not tell DH, but to go get it confirmed by my doctor. I didn't believe it and didn't want to drag him into the "false" hope. But, rationality one out. I knew that pregnancy tests have virtually no false positives, that even though I couldn't believe it I was most certainly pregnant, and he would want to know (had a RIGHT to know). So, I went and got him out of the bedroom. I said "can you come here for a minute?". He came into the bathroom and I pointed at the test. I think he was in as much shock as me, but more excited/less paranoid! (You would have to ask him). He was thrilled. I told him that I would go to my doctors appointment and get blood work done to make sure it all added up. And we very anxiously/excitedly went on with our morning.

I can tell you, I shocked the nurse practitioner when I said "I know this appointment is for infertility consult, but I took a pregnancy test this morning and I am pregnant". She was thrilled for us and obliged with a blood draw, and got me an appointment with the OBGYN office. Noon that day I checked my online blood results and got confirmation that indeed I was pregnant. DH of course started telling work IMMEDIATELY. He called and told his parents too. He can't keep secrets, and I knew that even though I was nervous, keeping it secret wouldn't do any good or make it easier if something didn't turn out. So, I texted all my closest friends, and we went and told my parents that evening (and called siblings). The rest is history (I actually might write a whole second post about how this pregnancy has felt emotionally different then the last, but I think this post has grown long enough).

One last list of funny/weird/ironic things:

Things I did in the 10 days before finding out I was pregnant -
- Pulled out a big unpacked box of clothes from our crawl space, intending to purge and re-pack it. Most of it is maternity clothes.
- Bitterly took "Your going to use the Potty" and left "Your going to be a Big Brother" in the kids section at the libary.
- Told my mother-in-law "There is NO WAY I am pregnant", despite being in my two week wait, because I had totally given up hope.
- (This is the weirdest, in my opinion)  Found an "I'm a Big Brother!" Sweatshirt in my sons room. It was a hand-me-down freebie that I had not taken out because it obviously didn't apply. I assume the cats dragged it out of his closet while we were out of town.

Also, when we told my parents I was pregnant, my mom said that several months ago we had asked DH when we would be having a second. She says that DH told her "January". DH does not remember this. I assumed he meant that is when we would start IF treatment, but its still kinda weird.

2011 Recap

January - I started the year ambitiously with several New Years resolutions and made steady progress on them.

February - Things went south at work as new policies began to be introduced that did not make sense in terms of productivity, and morale started to go down the toilet. We hosted our traditional Super Bowl party and had a good time.

March - I struggled with motivation, mostly because the medications I was on, but I couldn't really tell most people that. Morale continued to worsen at work. Aaron got a motorcycle. We went to see Les Miserables

April  - We got our BFP (Big Fat Positive!) - the news that we were pregnant, though we did not feel very secure about it. We went to my coworker's wedding. We hosted a massive formal dinner party that involved a murder mystery as well.

May - We started/continued to announce to the world that we were pregnant. We visited our friend in Illinois and spent my Birthday in St Louis.

June - DH flew to Duluth for an interview.  Because of this uncertainty, our social calendar was on hold, though I did go to the big Short North garage sale. We made it to the second trimester. I narrowed down my expectations for completing New Years resolutions, and then totally failed to continue working on them.

July - We spent Independence Day with our friends in Columbus. The final Harry Potter came out. .I felt baby move for the first time.

August - My parents visited for a nice long week. My In-Laws visited. I enjoyed ample use of the Worthington Farmer's Market. I took up swimming.

September - We went on a great Baby Moon to the East Coast! Then I got really sick and was hospitalized overnight. I spent the rest of the month recovering from this.

October - We hit the third trimester. I had my baby shower and lots of people came in for it, it was great seeing everyone!! I dressed as a wrecking ball for Halloween.

November - We took our birthing class and really cracked down on our "to do" list for baby. My ILs came for Thanksgiving.

December - DH applied for and received an interview for the job in Duluth. DH and I decided we were taking the plunge to move to Minnesota. We celebrated Christmas alone, "Jewish style". My ILs visited for the New Year with the hopes baby would arrive... so far, no go.

Quick Update

DH has been out of town since early yesterday morning. I am about 50% of the way through his trip, crossing my fingers (and legs, lol) that I don't go into labor. Obviously it is still early but I can't help but be paranoid, especially since I have had a lot more cramping etc (which could be early contractions) in the last couple of days.

I came home from work at 11am today. Used sick time for my own mental health. The ridiculous pregnancy hormones were messing with me. I also was really tired, and I have no idea why. I mean, besides the obvious "I am 38 weeks pregnant", I got plenty of sleep last night and it was good sleep.  (Only got up once overnight to pee, only woke up once because of being uncomfortable). So I am home napping this afternoon.

I  thought I had a bunch more to say, but that is it for now!

Big Changes Ahead

There is so much going on here, and so little at the same time.

DH is interviewing for a job in MN this upcoming Friday. He will be gone Thursday-Saturday. Hopefully baby does not come. I don't think the baby will come, there are not many signs of progress, but I can't help but be nervous about it. We will see how contrary this baby is I guess!! We will have even more stress if DH is offered the job, some big decisions to make as it could be a very stressful move, and would also be choosing to lower our income significantly, but we would be where we wanted to be, and closer to a family support system.  There are SO many variables and some big decisions upcoming.

Because of this interview, a lot of stuff that was on my baby "to do" list is being put off, because its things that are counter productive if we end up moving soon, like finishing hanging decorations in the nursery, assembling the crib (we have the pack&play up and running for those early months), getting the second car seat installed, etc. Its a holding pattern in many regards.

I know I have not been posting much. I don't know when I got out of the habit of posting, but I did, and I definitely want to get back INTO the habit as this blog is about keeping people up to date on my life, and with the baby people will want even more updates. I am pretty sure this will be one of my New Years resolutions.

Last weekend we went to get the Christmas Tree. I have pics from this, but our camera has died, so I can't get them  off easily. I will need to borrow someones camera to switch memory cards with, or find someone w/a card reader. Also, we need to replace the camera ASAP. Its a horrible time for it to die. We are debating getting an SLR, but I think we will end up with a point and shoot for now, especially with all the uncertainty. Its difficult to decide. But, the house is all decorated for Christmas. I bought stockings for DH and I since we don't have any here in Columbus, having never spent a Christmas here.

If the house decorations are not enough to get us in the Holiday Spirit, I also had a number of Christmas celebrations this week, the two most notable being our Annual Holiday lunch on Friday with my work unit, and the Nestie Christmas Party on Saturday night. Both were great and I got great secret santa gifts.

In one final note, I wanted to comment on something that won't matter to anyone except the nesties that read this. So a few months ago (August/September), there was a huge bit of drama on my message board I use and it split into two. The new board was meant to me more welcoming and inclusive than the old board had become. I am still a member of both boards. This week there were parallel posts that allowed real insight into how different the two boards are even after such a short time separated. On both boards there was a post about the Duggar's - the TV reality stars of "19 Kids and Counting" who just experienced a very late (20week) miscarriage on their 20th pregnancy. On the new board, the response was overwhelmingly and exclusively "that is so sad/tough, would never wish that on anyone, its making me tear up, can't imagine how hard that is for them" etc etc etc. On the old board the response was "that is sad, they really shouldn't be trying for kids, they are not being good parents" etc etc etc. I am pretty sure when I need support I will be posting on the new board, thank you very much.

Is this Normal?

I am pretty sure the answer is "yes!" to all of them... but this is what is new with me.


Is it normal that....
... I have to pee every time I go from seated to standing position?
... my ankles are routinely the size of large oranges?
... my "morning" sickness and related food aversions are back?
... I keep getting anxious for no reason, or about things that I can't control, like hospital bills and the baby's position?
... my hands swell, especially at night, and the finger joints hurt?
... I am feeling like we need to get everything done for the nursery NOW, even things that don't really need to be done before the baby arrives?
... after never questioning it for one second in my entire life, I am NOW questioning if I will like being a parent?

I think that about sums it up. As I said, pretty sure this is all normal for 36w2d pregnant. 25 days to go. I am trying to get a lot of walking done, keep that baby weight where it needs to be to naturally progress towards labor. I may even get a yoga ball for work. As mentioned I am a bit "morning" sick again, which sucks by the way. DH is doing good though in taking care of me. 

All Positive

A couple of my coworkers were talking about pregnancy and two of them said they hated being pregnant. I chimed in and said that I loved being pregnant, which seemed to catch them off guard. I can't imagine hating it. One coworker responded with "well, if you have an easy pregnancy..." And while I certainly have not had a hard pregnancy by any means, I wouldn't say its been easier than average either, with the extended nausea well into the second trimester, the hospitalization, sciatica, swelling, etc. I have spent much of the pregnancy physically unwell or uncomfortable, which I think is pretty normal. But I still love it.It is a brief 40 weeks that I have no idea if I will ever get to experience again, a time when  the external world smiles upon me and wishes me the best of luck, when everyday is full of anticipation and preparation for a coming joy. I don't have to worry about whether I look chubby, I have an excuse for everything - acting stupid, being overly emotional, making mistakes. It is 40 weeks of precious memories - feeling babies movement, the look on Dh's face when he feels the baby move, laughing at myself for crying over ridiculous things, being able to snack and eat without feeling guilty, outgrowing my clothes, outgrowing my maternity clothes. I get to buy tons of stuff w/out feeling guilty. Its a pretty awesome time.

From a deeper, less materialistic perspective, while pregnancy is physically difficult, it is psychologically awesome. There is always something good in your life. If your work is frustrating, your house dirty, if you are tired, or throwing up, or the weather is not what you want, you still have that buzz, that knowledge, the idea in the back of your head that there is a little future child in their growing, and as the pregnancy moves on, the baby is moving and kicking and reminding you of its presence. What is not to love? How could I not be happy? How could anyone who wants to be a mother not be in love with this time?

Sometimes I wonder how much the difficulty I had getting pregnant contributes to this optimism and, well, basic underlying joy. If I had gotten pregnant easily, had multiple successful pregnancies, would this just be "another pregnancy" where I had to put up with morning sickness? Would I focus on the loss of brain cells and the physical discomfort rather than the amazing thought of a coming child and the scientific wonder of the baby's development? If I did not have the contrast of the dark months (lets be honest, dark years) of waiting in uncertainty and hopelessness, would I appreciate the pure hope and anticipation that pregnancy is?

I don't know. I like to think I would have loved being pregnant no matter what, but I also recognize that my perspective might be a little different than some. Imagine spending years trying to get something, trying to find something that you hoped would be the best part of your life, something you seem to have no control over, never knowing during those years if it was even possible. And then it happens. It comes with some negatives, some pain, some crying spells on the kitchen floor over ridiculous things, with new anxieties and stresses, but it comes with the knowledge that what you thought might never be, will be.

That is why I love pregnancy.

Childbirth Class

If you are sick of me only blogging about pregnancy, then you probably should not bother reading this post. I can't help it, it of course dominates my life. I feel like I am a very boring person right now as most of my energy and thoughts are pregnancy related, whether it be what I need to eat, how tired I am, or something I need to ask at my next appointment. Despite my efforts not to always be talking pregnancy, it comes up more than I intend, sometimes simply because I feel like I have absolutely nothing going on. This does not bother me too much for the most part because I am happy to be pregnant, but it occasionally worries me that other people are annoyed. Oh well!

So DH and I spent all day on Saturday at a Child Birth class at the hospital where we plan to deliver. It just happens to be the same hospital where the popular Lifetime series, One Born Every Minute, is filmed. Anyways, it was 9am-5pm, plus a hospital tour. Unsurprisingly, it was a bit overwhelming. The morning was spent discussing the anatomy/physiology of childbirth, how baby's position affects it, how mothers positions before and during labor effect it, positions to use during labor, and relaxation techniques for labor. In the afternoon we looked at medical procedures and options that might come into play - both what possibilities were and when they might be used. We also talked about post-postpartum recovery and the hospital experience. I liked the class because it seemed to start out with the assumption you would not be having pain medication.

I am not really one of those people who is afraid of labor or childbirth. I guess I fall in the "woman have been doing it for a million years" camp. In fact, most of my fears are more related to the people and society surrounding me than to the process of childbirth itself. I am not afraid of labor pain, I am afraid of doctors and nurses "forcing" medical procedures on me I don't agree with.(I know they can't literally force me). This ranges from trying to get me to induce when I don't want to, to trying to get me to use pain meds I don't want, to moving to a C-Section before it is actually medical necessary, either because they are being over cautious or because it is convenient for them. Riverside is a great hospital. We chose it because it is level 3 both for adult and neonatal care. That means that if something goes wrong, if either I or the baby need surgery, emergency treatment, etc etc, we will be right there able to get it and not have to deal with being transferred anywhere else. However, it is also a hospital where 85-90% of mothers get epidurals. When I told one of my friends I was delivering at the hospital where One Born Every Minute is filmed she was horrified. She tried to play it down, but it was pretty clear her opinion on the matter. She related to me an episode where a mother wants to have a natural birth and the nurses are making fun of her in the nursing lounge. It does not exactly inspire confidence.

Perhaps you are reading in between the lines here and thinking or asking "is she saying she wants to go for a natural birth?". I guess the answer is yes. The more I learn about picotin, epidurals, and other interventions, the less I want them. But I am not some crazy hippie "natural is best" chick. I don't want a water birth, the idea of home birth terrifies me, and I don't have an elaborate birth plan with meditation and breathing routines planned to make it some "holistic emotional experience".  Its more like I land on the option of going "natural" when I consider all of the evidence. I guess it is also a continuation of the "woman have been doing this for millions of years" theory as well. Really I guess it started with my general dislike of the entire concept of an epidural. I am by no means criticizing woman who want one - as with all medical procedures, its a cost benefit analysis and for me the costs out weigh the benefits. They are sticking a needle into your spine and numbing nerves that give you motor control in your legs. That sounds like a procedure I will avoid if at all possible. It probably helps make the decision easier considering I have read the medical records of 1 or 2 women who have had long term effects of epidural. I just don't want to mess with my neurological system if I can at all help it. The statistics about slower labor and increased c-section rates, plus unknown ultimate impact on the newborn are just icing on that cake. So once I decide no epidural, it does not take much to conclude that most interventions are bad for me. For example, Picotin, the drug most commonly used to induce labor or to speed slow labor, causes contractions to be much stronger than natural and thereby increases the need/desire for epidurals. I guess when I look at everything combined it is not any one intervention that bothers me, its the fact that once you start with one you get wrapped up in these cycles of possibly needing so many others, and ultimately significantly increase your risk of requiring major surgery (caesarean). I don't want any of it, its not for me. In an ideal world, I would be able to deliver in a hospital, but not even have an IV. I know this is not an ideal world though (as evidenced by my desire to be in a hospital!). I know that a lot of times you end up with little choice. Your baby is breech, or in distress, or your labor just stalls out, etc etc etc. But I will do what I can on my end to make this happen "the old fashioned way". I just really hope that I only end up fighting mother nature and my own weaknesses on this and not my doctors and nurses as well.

Baby Baby Baby Oh

I know, I know.. I spent SO LONG "catching up" on the trip that I now have not had a current post for three weeks... But this is the only place I have that detailed account of my trip because I did not keep a journal on the trip like I normally do, so it was really more for me than for you.

I recently turned one of my old blogs into a book - http://lost-in-europe.livejournal.com/ - into a book. Specifically, the section that talks about my time in Europe, and it sort of reminded me exactly how cool a detailed account of trips and such can be. It jobs so many good memories that I have not thought about in years.

As for the past three weeks since I got back... first, I can't believe it has been that long. My appetite returned about a week after I got out of the hospital, which was really great since I was having to force myself to eat even near 2000 calories for that week. Now I am eating everything in sight, which is good for the most part, though I still have nausea sometimes (mostly in the morning). I also have lots of heartburn. I read in a magazine that I should "eat small meals, avoid spicy foods," etc. I don't follow these rules because they don't actually help. I can eat a single yogurt and get terrible heartburn... so why should I avoid food I want? Thats about as small and mild a meal as you can get...

DH and I went to a baby sale last Saturday (a week ago today). It was a lot of fun. We bought some books and toys and clothes. We even bought a little Christmas outfit. We don't expect the baby to be here by Xmas, but if they show up early, we are ready for an adorable Christmas picture! And since it was all used, it was all nice and cheap. I still need to wash it all, and we need to get somewhere to put it, like a dresser. Its time to really crack down and start getting baby stuff done. So far, our baby items consist of 1 carseat and stroller (will need a second car seat), and the little stuff described above (from the sale). I also got an adorable stuffed elephant from a friend. My shower is set up, which is exciting. I am not planning to register, which I have a feeling will throw some people for a loop. But, I just don't feel the need to pick out every toy and piece of clothing and washcloth etc, the ladies that are coming know WAY more about baby stuff than I do. I don't expect to get any really big items anyways.  I hope people don't get annoyed and feel "set free" instead, but we will see what happens. Its all gifts and we are not counting on it to set us up, so I will be thankful for anything I get.

Now, off to watch football for the rest of the weekend. Though if I am good I will spend at least a couple of hours trying to clear out our red office. When we cleaned out the nursery to paint it all of the crap that had been stored in there, a lot of holiday stuff for example, got moved to the red office. Now we need to clean the red office so that we can put the futon in there and have two guest rooms instead of one. I have a feeling that the shower (10/22) will be the first of many times we have multiple guests staying here in the next year or two.

My First Hospitalization (in my memory at least...)

If you read this blog regularly you are probably either waiting for me to post about my trip to the East Coast, or depending on how you know me, you may be waiting to hear more about my recent hospitalization and how I am feeling. Let me get the bad out of the way before the good, and also talk about what is more immediately relevant to how I am doing at the moment. Don't worry, the story is not that bad, just sucky. gross too probably, TMI, but its what happened.

On Friday we were in Philadelphia. In the morning after waking up normal and a normal  breakfast we walked from our hotel by City Hall down to the Independence Hall area. I did fine with that walk, we got tickets for Independence Hall and began to walk over there, and while we were waiting for that I began to feel week and tired. We went ahead with the tour, swung by the Liberty Bell, and then took the subway back to the hotel to get out of town since I was not feeling well. We thought it was just normal pregnancy fatigue. We drove to Baltimore, stopping at Cracker Barrel along the way where I forced some food down, but it did not help like it normally does. We got to our friends house in Baltimore and I was still feeling gross, but I thought it was still just pregnancy nausea and tried to hide/downplay it, made plans to grill dinner, hung out, but then when dinner was set in front of me (a burger), I could only eat a tiny portion of it. I felt gross all night, went to bed early, got up and vomited the burger and juice/soda I had eaten back up at 6am. Got up feeling horrible. I thought by now it might be something more than just pregnancy nausea, but still nothing so extreme that I was sure. I sipped some juice but couldn't eat any breakfast. I did not want to wreck our plans so we went down to the inner harbor in Baltimore and walked around. I was very fatigued and the smells of food were killing me. We walked up and down and saw everything without touring anything, then went to a food court for lunch. I got a mango smoothy and sipped at it, and ate 1 or 2 of the fries. After lunch we dropped our fried off, packed up, and headed out of town. I slept some on the way home, but was really miserable, feeling nausea and muscle soreness and general miserableness. I kept trying to sip juice and water because I knew I must be dehydrated. When we stopped around 4:30, everything I had eaten/drank all day came up again. I continued to try to sip water and we got home around 9:30pm, I pretty much went straight into bed and laid/slept, sipped water a tiny bit, took a Tylenol for the severe muscle pain and eventually fell asleep, until I woke up with diarrhea at 3am, then for diarrhea and vomiting at 5am, 6am I just stayed up and kept getting sick. I was SO THIRSTY, my mouth was so dry, and I just felt miserable. I tried to sip water, and it just came back up, I tried to suck ice and it just came back up. I was so thirsty I did not care it was going to come back up, so I tried a caffeine free Pepsi because it sounded good and used it to take my thyroid meds. I very slowly drank like maybe 1/3 of the can and it seemed to be staying down. By this time DH was up and asked if he could do anything/get me anything. I told  him I was going to call the OBGYN as by this time 36 hrs since I had kept any solids down and hardly any liquids in the same time. So I called and they told be to head to labor and delivery at Riverside assessment for dehydration, so we headed straight there. When we got there I was off the charts for keytones in my urine and dehydration (a positive sample ends up as making the strip dark purple, mine was instantly dark purple and ended up turning black). I also had elevated BP (which is the opposite of how my BP has been trending during this pregnancy). They hooked up a monitor to my belly and found the baby right away, the baby had super active throughout the entire illness or I would have been to a doc sooner. Anyways, the baby was doing great, so they took those monitors off and hooked me up to an I.V. and gave me Zofran, then after I had two full bags of IV fluids they asked me to try and drink a half can of pop over the course of an hour and eat a saltine. I didn't make it and managed to throw up the pop they gave me, the pepsi, and loads of other fluid that I had no idea where it came from. At this point they gave me something stronger for the nausea and omitted me. The new med knocked me out for awhile. When I woke up my mouth was SO DRY, I asked and received ice chips and very slowly had some of those. I laid there all day eating an ice chip at a time and watching football with DH, pretty miserable, later in the afternoon I asked for more and was given a Popsicle, which went OK, then cranberry juice. Around the time DH went home to walk the dogs my fever suddenly spiked (it had been very mild). They gave me tylenol, but it still had not broken after an hour. It got up to 101.4F, and then suddenly dropped. I was still physically miserable and had a rough night with diarrhea, chills, hot flashes, but I did not throw up. They came and drew more blood at 5:30am. I woke up with a really bad sinus type headache a bit later and turned the TV on. They came in and said my labs were OK and my temp was fine, so if I could keep down a solid breakfast they would release me. I managed to eat oatmeal, bacon, and orange juice and while it was not super appetizing to me, it did not come back up, so after checking the baby again (still doing great, kicking the monitor, etc), they released me home. They said that there has been a GI bug going around that the OBGYN warned them about and it was probably just this as my other labs came back normal (no infections or anything).

Since getting home I have been trying to eat every couple hours and making myself drink even though I still don't feel great. I have had really bad headache/sinus symptoms but I think they are resolving now. I feel so crazy weak and fatigued, and I feel like its improving so slowly (along with my willingness to eat), that it is going to take me weeks to feel normal again. I hope I am wrong. I am just glad baby has been OK through all of this and I am doing my best to not end up at L&D again. I know I won't feel like going back to work tomorrow, but I am going to try and at least go in for awhile because our sick policies put up a bunch of paperwork/bureaucratic crap if you stay out three days in a row straight. I can always come home if I feel weak or can't keep up with hydrating etc while there. I have plenty of sick time. The only good thing that came out of this? We know our way into Riverside now, so DH will know exactly where to go if there is another emergency or hopefully when its time to deliver!!

What a sucky dramatic ending to a great week... a great week I will hopefully tell you about it soon.

Good, Bad, Ugly

The Good: Its Friday. Baby is the length of a spaghetti squash. I am feeling more and more movement. Football is on.

The Bad: Baby's movements add to my nausea. The comp time thing I explained a couple of days ago is not going to work, I will return to work after maternity leave with NO LEAVE. I need to get ant traps.

The Ugly: Our younger dog River is sick. Don't know if she ate something and its clogging things up or if she has a bug. Loads of diarrhea and vomit = fun stuff. She is still eating and defecating though, so hopefully things work out. (yes we have contacted a vet).

The Sims

Familiar with the game "The Sims"? Basically, you are controlling fake little peoples lives - telling then when to eat, what job to have, when to sleep, when to pee, everything. Once of the most challenging times in the game is pregnancy. The pregnant Sim is very difficult to care for - if you are not careful she could "leave" (the equivalent of dying). The problem occurs if she gets home from work and exhausted and starving - you get stuck in this cycle where she desperately needs sleep, but is too hungry/has to pee to much to sleep more than 5 minutes, but when you send her to the fridge she falls asleep half way through making the meal, etc etc.

In short... this weekend has me feeling like a Sim!

It began with the football game...

Friday night, DH and I, as well as his work friend Eric that I am getting to know and like, left Columbus around 4pm and drove up to Cleveland to attend the Cleveland Browns vs Detroit Lions preseason NFL game. It was a ton of fun! We had great seats, a couple rows in on the South endzone. It was cool to be so close to the field and also made for some great pictures:

So, the result of the game was 30-28 Lions, which made Aaron and I happy, and did not upset Brown's fan Eric too much as it was preseason.

As planned, I drove home. We arrived home at 2:15am.

The problem being... I needed to work Overtime on Saturday. Preferably 8 hours. And the building was only open for overtime from 7am-4pm.

Why you ask? Because maternity leave in America sucks. Seriously. Makes me want to be in Europe more than any time before. In Austria, you get 16 weeks paid (as well as options for unpaid/partial paid). In Denmark, you get 52 weeks as a couple and can divide it between the father and mother. In America? You are at the mercy of your company, with your only guarentee being 12 weeks unpaid if you are somewhere FMLA applies.

The policy with my employer, the state of Ohio, is as follows:

Week 1-2 You are required to either wait through an unpaid waiting period, or use 2 weeks of your own leave.

Week 3-6 70% pay, can be supplemented by your leave if you want full pay.

Week 7-12 FMLA applies.

I was initially under the impression that when FMLA kicked in, I could just at my disgression go unpaid for those final 6 weeks (preserving a little sick and vacation time for when I came back to work with a 3 month old in daycare). However, it came to my attention that there is a clause in FMLA that makes it even more sucky - the employer is only requierd to give it to you if you have no leave of your own to take. In other words, if I want to stay home more than 6 weeks, then I have to use all of my leave up in week 7,8 etc until I am entirely out of sick, vacation, and personal time, and then and only then can I finish out 12 weeks off unpaid. *sigh*. This puts me in quite a bad spot.

Go back to work and drop a 6 week old off with a stranger/sitter (which for me personally seems impossible... so little) OR return to work after 12 weeks, with absolutely NO LEAVE- can't leave early because the baby is sick, can't schedule a Drs appt, can't get sick, have to scrape time together for upcoming family events like my Brother's wedding and sister's graduation that will be coming up. Both seem equally impossible.

There is the possability, the wisp, of hope. My pregnant coworker found a little policy somewhere in the handbook that implied there is ONE kind of leave you can save through FMLA - and that type is Compensatory Time. Paid time off you earn in liueu of pay when you work overtime. We have not yet confirmed this is true, but until we find out one way or the other, we have to assume it is, because overtime is not expected to last. When the Federal Fiscal year ends in October, we will no longer be allowed overtime, that means there are 6 Saturdays between this weekend and when October in which for me to earn comp time... 2 of which I am planning to be out of town. So I could not miss one.

I know. Way too much explanation. BUT that is why, after getting home at 2:15am on Saturday morning, I climbed out of bed at 6:30AM to go to work for 8 hrs. I still have not recovered. My body just doesn't want to sleep to catch up, despite me needing it, and the messed up sleeping schedule has me sick as well ("morning sick") and unable to find anything I want to eat.

I am a Sim. Sleep a little. Try to eat something, fail. And tomorrow is Monday.

DH asked me if the game was worth it, and it was. The real question is... will the overtime be worth it? I really hope that it will... cross your fingers

Parental Visit 2.0

I feel like I have a gazillion things to say, lets see if I can remember any of them, or have the motivation to try even!

But I want to start by thanking my ILs for their visit last weekend. They arrived Friday night and left Monday morning. We went out to eat - Ruby Tuesdays, Raising Canes, City BBQ. We went shopping, we went to the Crew game on Saturday night to celebrate DH's birthday. We went to see The Help - excellent movie, I highly recommend it!!

Fat - I am getting there. LOL. Rounder everyday. We had our 20 week U/S on Monday! Everything looks great, it was pretty amazing. The doctor kept being like "Oh!! Look at this" with all this technical stuff he found cool, like the pulmonary artery and the way the umbilical chord looked, etc, he said these aren't things you always get to see. It was really cool seeing the little heart beating, the little toes, zombie face. We did not get to really see the hands because the baby was all over the place.. I swear, it was like an octopus squirming around in there. We did get a good picture of one of the feet. Baby was 50 percentile in all domains. The very first image we got of the baby was the top of the head... maybe that means they are a braniac? As planned, we did not find out the sex of the baby. Gotta save some surprises :-)

Yeah... thats all I got. What happened to the million times I say "I should blog about that". I guess my other news is that I am starting to read War & Peace... 67 pgs down, 1388 to go.

Pregnancy Update

Just wanted to update everyone on how the pregnancy is going.

The biggest news -I am pretty sure I have been feeling the baby move! I felt it first late late Thursday night (also known as 4am Friday), When I was going to bed after seeing the midnight showing of the Harry Potter movie. DH has decided this should hence forth be described as "the baby clapped at the end of Harry Potter!!"

People love to ask a pregnany woman how she is doing, and I hate answering. I don't really want pity, or to go into the nitty gritty of it every five minutes, or be described as a whiner. DH and I came up with a great answer for me to use recently, which is "Physically feeling like crap, but in good spirits".

However, on my blog I do want to go into nitty gritty. On going symptoms include:
(1) ongoing morning sickness (to be really detailed... I have not had as much nausea, but my gagging is out of control)
(2) cramps, aches, pains
(3) heart burn
(4) emotional basketcase... tear up at anything, get mad easily
(5) lack of self control... I used to never voice the million of judgemental or mean or controversial things I think every day, now I can't seem to help it... I think this is tied in with the emotional basketcase part.
(6) can't get comfortable to sleep at night, or sometimes to sit
(7) ongoing shortness of breath
(8) difficulty getting up int he morning/fatigue

I think that about covers it, maybe??

2nd Trimester!!!

I am officially declaring myself in the 2nd Trimester!! I actually have been here technically speaking for over a week, but I did not feel that way emotionally because I had not had a Drs appt in a month and did not know for sure that everything was going well, but today we heard the heartbeat and everything is measuring right on track!! Also, I am starting to show - at least to people who know me. I have never really had a belly before. When I gain weight/fat (which I certainly have plenty of!) it goes on in my back/hips, not my belly. Now I have a belly! And it will just get bigger and bigger... and if I am super lucky, only a few weeks until I feel movement (though I know that can vary a ton). This pregnancy, as predicted, is rushing by, as is the summer.

So, as of tomorrow, six months until my due date! I promised you guys renewed resolutions back when I first found out I was pregnant. 6 months is a lot of time, and no time at all. My first thing was I was going to re-do some reading goals. I went through my "to read" list on Good Reads and narrowed it down a bit. Here is the list I made:

Classics: War and Peace, Doctor Zhivago, Atlas Shrugged, Brideshead Revisited, Dune, The Trial
Books where I want to see the movie: The Lovely Bones, Do Android's Dream of Electric Sleep? Interview with a Vampire.
Books I think will help me/Interested in philosophy/informational: Man's Search for Meaning, (another book by Milan Kundera), Getting Things Done, Exercise Endocrinology
Series to Finish: Wolves of Mercy Falls, Alvin Maker
Project Book: The Book Lover's Cookbook

The thing is... There is no way in heck I can read all of this. I mean, I certainly have the time, but my concentration is already decreased and I hear it will just get worse!! We will see what happens :-) Basically, I will try to get some of this list read, and I am not going to linger on books that I try to read and can't focus on, I am going to move on to the books that do catch my interest so I can get through as many of these as possible. I am going to start with the next book of the Alvin Maker series.

So I should post or something?

The weather here has been gorgeous. Absolutely fantastic. For the past 6 days it has been partially cloudy w/temps from 60-75 degrees. Wonderful. Today it finally "broke" and rained. It rained on and off throughout the day, and then poured for the last hour or so. Now we are back to partially cloudy.

In other good news, we got a new couch - at least new to us! Our friend who is getting a new free couch from her Grandma (a furniture addict), is giving us her old couch and chair. They are in pretty good shape, way better than our $20 3-5 yr old goodwill couches we have been using. I need to get covers for them due to the floral print, but its nice to have a full size couch!! And for free. DH and I make our priorities pretty clear... 56" television, gaming systems, nice king size bed and 27" flat panel in the bedroom... $20 goodwill couches. LOL. So, a new, free couch is super exciting.

I am officially 12 weeks along in my pregnancy today. People keep telling me "its a good place to be". I tell them it is a good place to be if everything is going well, and I will feel really good about it next week when I hear the heartbeat again! 7 days.

It is summer vacation season. That means that a lot of people at work are out, so I am expected to spend a lot of time each day helping out on other people's desks. Luckily things are under control on my desk, so it isn't a big deal, but it can create some awkward or frustrating situations. Like today my supervisor asked that we concentrate on this one person's quality assurance returns - as in, these are cases that my coworker finished and tried to send out of the building, but it got pulled and checked for quality and rejected in dramatic fashion with a list of a gajillion things to fix. Um. (1) I dont want to find out how many ways my coworker screws his cases up and (2) these are by far the most annoying types of cases to work on, even when they are alone, let alone doing someone elses. Oh well.

That completes my random thoughts for the day :-)

fatigue

I now feel like I am spending about 50% of my total energy per day trying to figure out what I can eat, make sure I am eating enough, drinking enough, and not throwing up. It is always on my mind. That leaves about 30% of my energy for work, 10% for self care like showering, brushing teeth, etc, and 10% for everything else. That everything else does not leave much room for things like housekeeping, cooking, or friends. Weekends are so much better. Being able to not work while pregnant would be amazing. Seriously. I get less nausea on weekends because I can let my body follow its natural rhythm. I get enough sleep, so the times I am awake I can be fully engaged. Ah. Days off rock.

The weird part is, despite all of this, I am starting to feel motivated again. Unfortunately, if my energy won't support it, motivation does not get me very far. Last week I started to feel motivated around Thursday. I did dishes, cooked for my cooking club, cleaned up, did laundry. I kept all this up for 2 days. Then Saturday night I got massive hives and laid on the couch doing nothing for 5 days. The other part is timing of motivation. Like, right now I want to start a load of laundry and do a few dishes. But I am at work, so this is not happening. Will I have the energy or motivation to do the above stuff at 3:45pm when I get home? Doubtful. Even more doubtful because I am going to the library to drop off way overdue books on the way home.

I know, I am a big fat whiner. So let me just make it clear before I go on that I am very happy to be pregnant and would rather be 10x sicker and more fatigued than give that up. Knowing I am pregnant boosts my spirits, which are on average pretty high. Most of the time even though I am physically miserable and unproductive I have some level of contentment or good mood underneath. (OK. Not when I was covered in hives). BUT anyways, the fact I am happy to be pregnant even if it makes me sick does not mean I feel any better physically or that its any easier to deal with the low energy. In some of the communities I circulate there is a lot of question as to who has the right to complain about what. I have heard it referred to as the "pain olympics". I typically avoid this topic because, well, most people who blog about this topic are saying how stupid the "competition" of misery is and how everyone should be understanding and supportive. My opinion is related, but not so feel good. And I am not sure I really want to get into it here and now. I will just say, that I think that in general people have a right to complain about any bad situation they are experiencing - even if it is not necessarily the same or as bad as other people's situation. But that right to complain does not mean they should expect sympathy from every one of their listeners.

Is that vague enough for you?