Stop and Smell the Roses

There is much I could post about, but I really feel like the blog needs a quick break from "baby baby baby". So, instead I want to write a quick note about nature. To put it briefly, I love the natural beauty here in Duluth. It is one of the things I missed the most (right after my family). There is, of course, Lake Superior and all of its granduer- different moods every day. Today it was serene and peaceful, glossy and rippling, reflecting the greys and silvers and whites of a slightly overcast day. But besides the beauty of the lake there is the beauty of walking out of my parent's front door. We go on walks when it is nice, lately they have been down a little nearby dirt road, with a babbling creek and butterflies and singing frogs in the background. Sound idyllic? Trust me, it is. I took the pictures below on my parent's property. If I had the time I would take so many more! I was going to just post pictures but found myself writing a poem instead of captions...

 

Fresh Start

How would you like to stroll down an old dirt road?

Basking in sunshine, soft breeze through your hair,

The stream's water whispering sweet nothings,

Oh, how I love to be there.

 

How would you like to breathe in lilac?

Purple lush sweet scented flowers,

Memories blooming through life’s many layers, New and old thoughts fill up the hours.

 

How would you like to watch the storm come

in?  

Cloud banks tower to the top of the sky,

Sunbeams fighting to be the silver lining, 

As the tear ducts of nature open up and cry.

How would you like to wander down an old trail?

Sunset's stark shadows leading the way,

A choice murmuring through the pine tops,

Not even Frost could have dreamt up today.

"I don't have time for it!"

This phrase, "I don't have time for X", is an excuse. Some point in the past year I came to the conclusion that saying you don't have time for something is neglecting to take responsibility for your own choices concerning time.* I have tried to banish it from my vocabulary. I would have time to read, but I choose to spend a lot of time on the internet. I would have time to clean if I did not spend so much time watching TV. I could spend more time organizing if I spent less time on Facebook. I could work out more often if I slept less.

There is always time for something, but it comes at the cost of something else. We choose how to spend out time. Its not about being perfect, its about taking responsibility for our own lives and what we can control.

*admittedly there may be people in the world who really have no flexibility with their time due to circumstances beyond their control... they are few and far between.

Expectations

I read an article awhile back about how Social Media is linked to depression. The correlation is there, people who use social media more are more likely to be depressed. The theory the article offered was that when we see all the good things happening to other people we are more down about what we don't have in our own lives (Jane is jetting off to europe! Susan had a baby! etc). I initially dismissed this idea and assumed that it really was that people who are more depressed are more likely to wile away hours on useless social media. Then within a week of reading this article, a friend whose blog I read posted a post pretty much saying this exact thing, that she felt down because she was comparing her experiences to those around her on facebook and blogs and other people had more the experience she expected about certain things. So it all got me thinking about expectations and I have had the topic simmering in the back of my mind for the last month or so.

Let me say - I am not depressed. I am not remotely depressed. My life is incredibly easy and joy filled right now. But I can see how social media can change expectations in a negative way. For me, the biggest perpetrator currently is Pinterest. I love Pinterest and I hate it. Pinterest shows us what we don't have (cool houses, great trips, etc). It also shows us all the things we could potentially be doing that we are not (recipes, workouts, craft projects). To some degree seeing these things is inspiring (... I am going to try that recipe! redecorate like that! etc), but to a large degree its just setting up this expectation in your head that everything needs to be special.... that a birthday party with cake, icecream, and a few screaming/playing kids is not enough - it needs to have a themed cake and handmade decorations and themed favors. A cake can't just be a cake, it needs to be a double layered lemon raspberry with almond filling and a cute puppy dog design that utilizes candies in a creative way. A nursery can't be a nursery. I can't just take pictures of my baby, I should learn how to use an SLR and find interesting and unique artsy poses, then edit the pictures to perfection and frame it and hang it up as art. I am not living up to my potential as a mother if I don't preserve the precious memories of DS with various scrapbooking, fingerprinting, and bronzing crafts. I am a bad wife if I don't cook gourmet meals and organize the house in amazing creative ways. I am a bad person if I do not fill my waking hours with sewing projects, redecorating projects, exercises etc to seize every moment. This is what Pinterest does to expectations.

I am not entirely sure where I am going with this.... I have no plans to stopping my use of pinterest. I am just trying to say that being in constant contact with all the possibilities that Pinterest offers sets up a false idea about how life needs to be to be happy. I guess I just want to state for the record that you don't have to try to make every little thing in life special. Things that are special in life will be so whether you do anything or not. Also, that we can't live our lives in expectation alone, we have to have open minds and accept what life actually is as it comes to us and who we are. That is all. Parts of this lesson are directed at me, other parts are intended more for society in general.

By the way, Benjamin is 2 months old today. I will post more on that tomorrow after his 2 month check-up.

All Positive

A couple of my coworkers were talking about pregnancy and two of them said they hated being pregnant. I chimed in and said that I loved being pregnant, which seemed to catch them off guard. I can't imagine hating it. One coworker responded with "well, if you have an easy pregnancy..." And while I certainly have not had a hard pregnancy by any means, I wouldn't say its been easier than average either, with the extended nausea well into the second trimester, the hospitalization, sciatica, swelling, etc. I have spent much of the pregnancy physically unwell or uncomfortable, which I think is pretty normal. But I still love it.It is a brief 40 weeks that I have no idea if I will ever get to experience again, a time when  the external world smiles upon me and wishes me the best of luck, when everyday is full of anticipation and preparation for a coming joy. I don't have to worry about whether I look chubby, I have an excuse for everything - acting stupid, being overly emotional, making mistakes. It is 40 weeks of precious memories - feeling babies movement, the look on Dh's face when he feels the baby move, laughing at myself for crying over ridiculous things, being able to snack and eat without feeling guilty, outgrowing my clothes, outgrowing my maternity clothes. I get to buy tons of stuff w/out feeling guilty. Its a pretty awesome time.

From a deeper, less materialistic perspective, while pregnancy is physically difficult, it is psychologically awesome. There is always something good in your life. If your work is frustrating, your house dirty, if you are tired, or throwing up, or the weather is not what you want, you still have that buzz, that knowledge, the idea in the back of your head that there is a little future child in their growing, and as the pregnancy moves on, the baby is moving and kicking and reminding you of its presence. What is not to love? How could I not be happy? How could anyone who wants to be a mother not be in love with this time?

Sometimes I wonder how much the difficulty I had getting pregnant contributes to this optimism and, well, basic underlying joy. If I had gotten pregnant easily, had multiple successful pregnancies, would this just be "another pregnancy" where I had to put up with morning sickness? Would I focus on the loss of brain cells and the physical discomfort rather than the amazing thought of a coming child and the scientific wonder of the baby's development? If I did not have the contrast of the dark months (lets be honest, dark years) of waiting in uncertainty and hopelessness, would I appreciate the pure hope and anticipation that pregnancy is?

I don't know. I like to think I would have loved being pregnant no matter what, but I also recognize that my perspective might be a little different than some. Imagine spending years trying to get something, trying to find something that you hoped would be the best part of your life, something you seem to have no control over, never knowing during those years if it was even possible. And then it happens. It comes with some negatives, some pain, some crying spells on the kitchen floor over ridiculous things, with new anxieties and stresses, but it comes with the knowledge that what you thought might never be, will be.

That is why I love pregnancy.

fatigue

I now feel like I am spending about 50% of my total energy per day trying to figure out what I can eat, make sure I am eating enough, drinking enough, and not throwing up. It is always on my mind. That leaves about 30% of my energy for work, 10% for self care like showering, brushing teeth, etc, and 10% for everything else. That everything else does not leave much room for things like housekeeping, cooking, or friends. Weekends are so much better. Being able to not work while pregnant would be amazing. Seriously. I get less nausea on weekends because I can let my body follow its natural rhythm. I get enough sleep, so the times I am awake I can be fully engaged. Ah. Days off rock.

The weird part is, despite all of this, I am starting to feel motivated again. Unfortunately, if my energy won't support it, motivation does not get me very far. Last week I started to feel motivated around Thursday. I did dishes, cooked for my cooking club, cleaned up, did laundry. I kept all this up for 2 days. Then Saturday night I got massive hives and laid on the couch doing nothing for 5 days. The other part is timing of motivation. Like, right now I want to start a load of laundry and do a few dishes. But I am at work, so this is not happening. Will I have the energy or motivation to do the above stuff at 3:45pm when I get home? Doubtful. Even more doubtful because I am going to the library to drop off way overdue books on the way home.

I know, I am a big fat whiner. So let me just make it clear before I go on that I am very happy to be pregnant and would rather be 10x sicker and more fatigued than give that up. Knowing I am pregnant boosts my spirits, which are on average pretty high. Most of the time even though I am physically miserable and unproductive I have some level of contentment or good mood underneath. (OK. Not when I was covered in hives). BUT anyways, the fact I am happy to be pregnant even if it makes me sick does not mean I feel any better physically or that its any easier to deal with the low energy. In some of the communities I circulate there is a lot of question as to who has the right to complain about what. I have heard it referred to as the "pain olympics". I typically avoid this topic because, well, most people who blog about this topic are saying how stupid the "competition" of misery is and how everyone should be understanding and supportive. My opinion is related, but not so feel good. And I am not sure I really want to get into it here and now. I will just say, that I think that in general people have a right to complain about any bad situation they are experiencing - even if it is not necessarily the same or as bad as other people's situation. But that right to complain does not mean they should expect sympathy from every one of their listeners.

Is that vague enough for you?

Live from Grandma's

Tonight I am broadcasting live from my Grandma's house. She is sitting about three feet to my left reading a TIME magazine. Patriots vs Jets is on the television, and my Uncle Curt is across the counter cooking dinner, beef stew I believe.

Dinner is soon and I just wanted to sign on and cover a few things I have been meaning to mention.

First, in completing my New Years Resolution from 2010, I incidentally read the entire work of Jane Austen. I think that is an additional accomplishment that deserves recognition. I also read Ulysses, which is one of the hardest books known to man. So, go me.

Second, every team I root for in a playoff situation seems to lose. I really really really do not want to see a Bears v Steelers Super Bowl, I couldn't win because at this time I do not want to see either of these teams win. Hopefully New England comes back and breaks my losing streak.

Third, I have not yet decided whether to host a Super Bowl party. I was planning on NOT hosting this year because last year at the end of the night DH said we wished we had not done it and he did not want to do it again because he had seen so little of the game, but then when I asked him about it last night he was all neutral/even for it. A girl can't win. I will ask around and see who all would come and make the decision that way.

Fourth, my latest pet peeve/diatribe is the misuse of the concept of "fair" and "unfair". I think people use it to apply to to many things. Maybe I already mentioned this, but I just wanted to bring it up again. When you use the fairness concept to apply to things that are outside that realm of conception it just is setting yourself up for unhappiness/disappointment. It implies you are "wronged" when bad things happen. Like my Uncle today was talking about how it was unfair that the potatoes looked good but actually had bad frozen spots. OK. That sucks, but it is not a question of fairness, potatoes cannot treat you unfairly, nor can the weather that froze them.

That is all for now, I am being beckoned to make salad.

Snowy Evening

Its a nice, snowy evening. It snowed about 2 inches between 1pm and 7pm. This unfortunately caused mass chaos in Columbus. It took me an hour to get home, a drive that is normally about 10 minutes, maybe 20 at rush hour. I was supposed to go to a friends house tonight but decided not to venture out to the highway after Dh's report of it's chaos.

I was supposed to go running today, but I didn't because of the snow. Instead of running, I shovelled. As far as I am concerned, shovelling is AT LEAST as good as running when it comes to a work out, especially when you consider the way I run (slowly and not very long) and the way I shovel (vigorously). I even shovelled the neighbor's walk/drive for good measure.

Other news in New Years Resolutions, they are going decently. Its interesting going around and trying to get recommendations on books and music and movies. It is interesting to me how hard it is for people to "get" what I am doing. I have had to answer/rebuff the question "what are you looking for?" or "I don't know what you would like!" or "this site is a great way to find new music you like." I know it may be really novel, but I am not trying to find new music/movies/books that I like. If I do like these things, then thats great, but this is more about expanding what parts of the world (of art in these cases) I am exposed to, like it or not. In the case of the books, it is about taking on new perspectives and trying to see what you can get out of all types of books. In the case of the music and movies, it is about understanding those references and such that people make, knowing what people are talking about when they discuss popular or classic movies and music. Is that so hard to understand?

Maybe I am just a complete nerd.

Arriving Home

Coming from home, arriving home, always very confusing.

I don't like flying. Its so convenient though, and I am a rational person, so I set aside the underlying conviction that all my planes are going to crash ans concentrate on the fact it is a statistical improbability. This rationality unfortunately can't help what the changes in altitude and cabin pressure combined with cramped quarters and less than fresh air do to my head and stomach. Luckily these unhappy effects usually wear off after an hour or two on the ground.

Arriving back in Columbus today was surprisingly relaxing and nice. We came home to a much cleaner house than I have grown accustom to thanks to DH's efforts before he left. The pets were all happy to see us and River was surprisingly sedate/controlable. We stopped at the grocery store on the way home and thus have a freshly stocked fridge with lunches and snacks for the week. I have so far retained some energy and motivation and got my bags all unpacked and some cleaning done before relaxing for the evening.

Some other updates:
- River: Turns out the reason she is more sedate/controllable than usual is because she got into a tussle with my cousin's dog (our Dog Sitter) while we were gone. While I am not happy that she started another fight, or that it resulted in some injury to both her, the other dog, and my cousin (all minor, don't worry), I am very glad that it seems to have knocked some sense into her. She seems to realize now that she is not the biggest dog on the block and maybe she should not start something all of the time. This was evidenced by he behavior when we fed them tonight. Grim was eating out of both dishes and instead of being assertive or pushy or aggressive, River sort of stood near the bowl that Grim was eating out of at the moment and cowered for a minute or two until I got up to sent Grim back to he own bowl.

- Reading: I did not do much reading while I was in Duluth, but it would appear I got enough ahead before leaving and did just enough reading to stay relatively on pace. I mostly read a Soup Cookbook while I was there (400 Soups). I have read cookbooks before, but now I have learned the lesson that when you choose a cookbook to just read through it should not be one that repeats the same type of recipe over and over and over and over... the point is, with one month and one day left, I have 4542 pgs left to read, or approximately 141pgs per day. Time to get (keep) cracking!!

- Motivation: As mentioned, still going strong. Upcoming plans for this month include starting to run with river (for real). I hate running. I absolutely hate running. BUT, there is not other solution to the equation that has remained a hassle in my life for some time. That equation is that I have limited ammount of time (t) outside of work. In this time (t) I needs to meet all of my personal and household needs, including socializing/recreation (s), household duties (h) and pet duties (p), and health activities such as cooking healthy meals and exercising (e). This would suggest a simple equation

t = s + h + p+ e

But, as anyone that cannot afford to either stay at home full time or hire a made knows, this is pretty much the hardest equation in life. Increase h a little at the cost of s and end up depressed due to social isolation. Don't put quite enough time into p and end up with a dog that keeps you up all night or chews your shoes. Most of all, of course, the goal is to get the numbers right and maximize your utility (that is, your happiness). For a very long time I have been saying I was going to somehow increase p and e in this equation, and for sometime it has not been happening. Increasing two categories at once is not easy. In fact, for me it has been impossible. The solution? Running. Running would allow me to kill two birds with one stone by simultaneously spending time on p and e. This would effectively increase the ammount of t by changing the equation

t = s + h + (p+e)/2

Of course, this is not entirely accurate as there are parts of personal health (e) and pet duties (p) that are not combined, but to keep this simple I will pretend that exercising the dog is the only component of p and exercising myself it the only component of e.

Enough vague nerdery for you? Ok. I will stop.

Now, if only I could find a way to combine cleaning my house with socializing... want to visit LEKT??

Essay on a New Car

My husband, and his car-buying ways, has entirely corrupted me.
Two months ago, if you had asked me what I thought about priorities while car buying, and the importance of engine type and size, speed, acceleration, and general mechanical power, I would have said that these things were entirely unimportant. I would have told you that my #1 priority in choosing a car was practicality – things like price, gas mileage, safety, and reliability, with a secondary priority of appearance and image.

This has changed drastically. Depending on your perspective, the purchase of the Chrysler 300C has either corrupted me or enlightened me. That “C” of 300C is the important part. Our new car, besides looking awesome and having loads of little luxuries (like a six-disk CD changer, borderline illegal tinting on the side windows, and a computer system that tells us how many miles until empty and what average gas mileage is), has a V8 engine and excellent acceleration. I did not think I cared about this. I did not think I would even be able to feel the difference between it and my little Mercury Tracer w/its 4-cylinder engine. How wrong I was. Pushing down that gas pedal and feeling the V8 jump to life and smoothly accelerate up to any speed I so desire is one of the more thrilling daily pleasures I have experienced. The car has turned little errands that used to be annoying, like returning, into an excuse to drive the 300C (especially since I don’t get to drive it on a daily basis, to work and back etc).

The interesting part about this is not that I like driving it. That is a minor change. The really change has come in my perspective on, well, pretty much everything mechanical. All of the sudden, as I think ahead to what car I want to purchase when it is my turn for a new vehicle in 2-3 yrs, the engine seems much more important. The idea of purchasing a new car that is not as fun to drive as the 300C is almost painful. I have been investigating whether many of the cars I am interested in come with a bigger engine. On top of that, my interest in other motorized activities has done a 180. All of the sudden, I see a sport motorcycle zooming down the highway, leaning back and forth to change lanes, and think of how fun it looks instead of how dangerous it looks. I see ski-doo ads and wonder how well the brakes work and if they are as fun to ride as they look, or as painful to ride as my friend has mentioned. I think about moving to Minnesota and wonder why I have never been on a snowmobile. In short, I have become a minor acceleration junkie.

My brother would be proud.

In many ways, this new way of thinking about the mechanical, as thrill and joy providing rather than mere transportation, feels like a betrayal of past ways of thinking – a betrayal of the lifestyle that I have claimed to want for the last several years. I have always alleged that I am highly concerned about the environment, interested in spending my money only wisely and practically, and put safety before almost every other concern in life. I say “alleged” because in honest reflection I am not entirely sure how well I stuck to any of these priorities. That is not entirely true – I am a stickler for safety. It is the other two that are more questionable. I have been struggling for months, unsuccessful, to even remotely kick my growing Starbucks addiction. That is not exactly a practical or productive use of money. We often favor convenience over practicality or environment. While I do insist upon recycling every can or bottle that enters my house, I also use more paper towels now then my family of six ever did when I was growing up. The point is, maybe my priorities have not been what I thought, and while that is not exactly a good thing, I do not think it is the end of the world either. In other words – while this newfound love of speed is a “shock” to my system, it is probably more a shock because the way I have been perceiving myself than a shock to the way I actually have acted.

Then there is safety, which is an entirely different beast. I have, not just allegedly, but actually, placed a high premium on safety throughout my life. It is a trait that was installed and reinforced by my parents. When I was little, I would feel horribly guilty if I rode a bike without a helmet or ended up riding in a car without a seatbelt (activities that usually occurred at friend’s houses whose parents were less concerned). I have told DH multiple times that he is banned from sky diving, from riding a motorcycle, and from various other activities he has mentioned that have presented some significant risk. This attitude has been under transformation for about ten months now. You should note that that is exactly how long I have been working at the Bureau of Disability, and it is not mere correlation.

Working for disability changes the way you view the world, but not in the way I would have expected. If I had been asked to guess how it would change me, I would have guessed that it would make me more concerned about my own health, as I would be more informed about what could go wrong. While this is true to some extent (rather than just thinking “my back hurts”, I think “my back hurts, I wonder if I will have degenerative disc disease? Am I getting arthritis in my spine? I hope its muscular”), the larger change has moved the opposite direction. Dealing with disabled people on a day-to-day basis, or people who feel like they are disabled, as is more often the case, makes you realize just how fleeting life can be. There are so many things that can go wrong, and you have no control over that. Some people would respond to this realization with more fear and attempts to avoid the dangerous, but to me the key part of this new knowledge is the lack of control. Ride a motorcycle, don’t ride a motorcycle, you still might turn out to have multiple sclerosis or be in a car accident or get cancer at the age of 30. Go sky-diving, don’t go sky diving, you still may have early onset arthritis and the retirement you have been looking forward to your entire life may be spent at home on pain killers. While activities like riding a motorcycle certainly carry their own risks, if they bring you joy, they are worth doing, because you do not know if you will be able to do things that make you feel happy or good ten years from now, or even a year from now. My point is, it’s good to live life in the moment a bit more than I have been doing, a bit more that I have ever expected to do, and this is a new attitude I am embracing fully. Perhaps the Chrysler 300C is just helping me move deeper into that.

As a final note, I am not going to run off putting convenience or thrill or luxuery before everything else in the world. There are a number of things I would trade my Chrylser 300C for without a second thought. However, these are all things that I have no control over. So, instead I will drive my 300C, and I will like it. I may even get a motorcycle someday, if that is the direction life takes me.

And that, my friends, is why and how my husband’s car-buying ways have corrupted me. I think this may be a good thing.

Quotations in my Cubicle

When things are not to crazy, I read at work. (When I am caught up of course). When I am reading at work and stumble upon an interesting or memorable line, I jot it on a post-it and hang it in my cubicle. Here are the quotations I have compiled in this way in the past 6 months. I love every one of them.

“The man who is contented to be only himself, and therefore less a self, is in prison. My own eyes are not enough for me, I will see through those of others. I will see what others have invented. Even the eyes of all humanity are not enough. I regret that brutes cannot write books. In reading great literature I become a thousand men and yet I remain myself… I transcend myself; and am never more myself than when I do.” – CS Lewis

“The terror of the unforeseen is what the study of history hides. It turns disaster into epic” – Philip Roth The Plot Against America

“Normal humans run away from monsters… I never claimed to be normal, just human” – Stephenie Meyer, Eclipse

“The ocean is tolerant, except a couple of times a day it gives up in disgust and goes off by itself and hides, And that my dear accounts for the tides” – Ogden Nash

“Lost, there, struggling against death, it was hard to accept the presence of another, even more insidious enemy: men like you” – Alessandro Baricco Ocean Sea

“Near and Far, near and far, I’m happy where you are” - Ogden Nash

“A conscious, rational animal proceeding syllogistically from the known to the unknown” – James Joyce, Ulysses

"There is a man sleeping in the grass. And over him is gathering the greatest storm of all his days. Such lightning and thunder will come there has never been seen before, bringing death and destruction. People hurry home past him, to places safe from danger. And whether they do not see him there in the grass, or whether they fear to halt even a moment, but they do not wake him, they let him be” – Alan Paton Cry, the Beloved Country

“Catastrophic cataclysms which make terror the basis of human mentality” – James Joyce Ulysses

“A clattered milk can, a postman’s double knock, a paper read, reread while lathering, re-lathering the same spot, a shock, a shoot, with thought of aught he sought thought fraught with naught. Might cause a faster rate of shaving and a nick” – James Joyce Ulysses

“In every space there is a hint of more” – Gertrude Stein

“The enemy was within her, not before her, and all of her strength was as nothing against an enemy like that. U have seen many lives wrecked in that absurd way. But a ship, never” – Alessandro Baricco Ocean Sea

"Show the choice and make no more mistakes than yesterday" - Gertrude Stein

Burning Out

This past weekend our former roomate Ben visited and brought his girlfriend A to meet us. It was a quiet weekend. We spent the vast majority of it on the couches - playing video games or watching movies that A had somehow managed to not see (Down Periscope, Snatch). We watched the soccer games. Saturday's game was highly enjoyable, Germany beating Uruguay and high scoring game. Sunday's game, the World Cup Final, was probably the least enjoyable game I saw in the entire tournament. Depending on your point of view, either there was horrible diving and a ref who bought every scam sold to him, or a crazy violent game with loads of deserved penalties and yellow cards, smashing the previous record for such things. I tend to side with the first. Either way, the game was painfully slow without much good continuous play. Spain ended up winning 1-0. We also all went to see Eclipse (A wanted to go and taking Ben with us would make it more fun for DH to go). I enjoyed it again, but Ben, DH, and A all thought it was hilariously bad. Oh well.

I have been feeling very drained the last few days, burnt out, but I am not entirely sure "of what". I have a feeling its just the whole work-life balance thing. I feel like I am not doing anything well at the moment (except perhaps work). I am not a good housekeeper, I am not eating well, not training my dog well, not seeing my friends enough, not seeing DH enough, not doing any of the projects I want to do. I don't feel like its going to get better anytime soon. I think the feeling this weekend was accentuated by our dog's bad behavior. River still has some behavioral issues that seem to flare big time when we have house guests. The biggest problem is her desire to dominate Grim whenever other people are around. We need to get back to some sort of training routine, as we were seeing improvements when we had her in the obedience class. The problem is its hard to get into a training routine when we don't really have any sort of routine in our lives. OK. I know thats not entirely true. We get up, DH walks the dogs in the morning, I walk the dogs in the evening. Thats the extent of our routing. I have been gone so much and there is more craziness to come for another few weeks. I say another few weeks but really I am not sure there is an end. I almost just want to take a month off of activities outside the house. You know? Slow it down big time, establish some sort of routine, and then add stuff back in. The problem with that idea is I am pretty sure that it would end up driving us batty. Who knows. I don't think this is a problem that just gets fixed, its probably just a part of life.

A Somewhat Green Post

Now that I have gotten that rant out of the way (sorry if it offended anyone), how about an update on my life?

DH has spent the last two days home sick, poor guy. I don't know if he has the same thing I did or not, but I doubt it since that would indicate an incredible long incubation period that just seems ridiculous. Besides that, even though he was home sick, he spent part of today (a small part, don't worry) fertiziling a small section of the lawn. Our lawn looks HORRIBLE. We are very bad at taking care of it. This is the first place I lived that there were neighbors to worry about in terms of lawn care. DH is a bit mad at the next door neighbors because the first summer we were here there was no dandelions in our yard and tons in theres, last summer there was a few in our yard, and now ours is as bad as theirs. DH does not want to pass on the disease to others, lol, so he wants to do some lawn treatments. We have even considered hiring a company to come do it, but I am worried about the chemicals and the dogs. I don't like the idea of toxic grass. For now we are putting down some simple fertilizer, if that does not help we will research other pet safe options.

In work news, my building is finally starting a recycling program for cans/bottles etc. I know I have only been there a few months, but seriously, this is 2010, they should have had recycling for five years at least!! I went to the kick off and got some free green pepper seeds, signed up for the raffles, and volunteered to help empty the recylcing container from my area into the dumpster. I hope they got a lot of volunteers or I will get stuck doing it all the time (I was the first to sign up for my area). In general, work is going well. I am very caught up, I am closing a lot of cases. Last week for the first time I closed as many cases as I got, which is the ultimate production goal (to do this consistently). It was 13 cases. This past week I only closed 8 again (which is about what I was averaging before the 13).

DH and I spent the last two nights watching the NFL draft. We are very interested in the outcome, and very disapointed by the coverage. DH is disapointed because they don't show many clips of the players getting drafted, have poor timing in the announcements, and are a running commercial for verizon. I am disapointed because they keep staying stupid things that contradict things they said earlier. For example, spending 20 minutes talking about how its so surprising Tim Tebow went in the first round, and then asking 30 seconds later if people think the Bronco's got the best value of the night by drafting him (value meaning he should have been drafted earlier than he was). Another case of logic not being the most valued commodity around... Anyways, I stayed up watching last night to see the Vikings pick, and then they went and traded it away. Tonight they drafted a couple of players I am less than certain about, and I am completely at a loss as to why they would draft a RB when they have the best in the league (Adrian Peterson), and there are other positions they could use.

Puppy's behavior has been getting more and more out of hand (more hyperness, inability to calm down, etc). I did some reading online tonight about being the Alpha, and putting it into practice. She certainly seems to respond to at least some of it (such as working on the sit/stay command to calm her down and assert dominance gently). We decided its time to start obedience school and we signed up for a class starting Monday, May 3rd. Wish us luck!!

Sounds like its raining outside. That makes me smile.

(Ir)rational Fears

Put this as pet peeve #423 of mine (on second thought, maybe I should actually count these and give them real numbers.... not just made up high numbers) - anyways - pet peeve = irrational fears, or more specifically, the culture of fear.

Everyone has fears, fear is entirely natural. Its evolutionary purpose is to protect us - keep us from doing things that may hurt us and keep us on our toes in dangerous situations. Heights, spiders, snakes, tightly closed spaces - these common fears today are all things that would have supposed a risk to an early primitive human. We are wired to be afraid of certain things. At some point, these fears become irrational and prevent us from living rather than protecting us from dying.

In present day, we are unindated constantly with things we should be afraid of. Industries take advantage of this evolutionary trait to make profit - in money and power- for themselves. The biggest culprits: politics (of course), the home security industry, the gun industry. They have us thinking that the terrorists are coming tomorrow, the economy will never recover if the opposite party wins, house guests return after leaving to smash in windows, and we are safer if we have a gun. Ignore the fact that the probability of ANY of these things happening is less likely than the probability of tripping over my own feet and knocking my front teeth out (OK, this probability might be slightly higher for me than many).

This post was meant to be much more eloquent when I was planning it in my head, but an angry rant will have to do.

Announcement to the world!!

There will be terrorist attacks or acts of war in the future no matter what we do. That is just the way of the world. Barring the downfall of the entire world order, the American economy will recover. Having the other party in power for a while is not the ruin of the country, even if it feels like that when you are all worked up. The probability of you being a victim of a violent crime is miniscule, and having a gun around does not really change this probability - might even increase it depending on what statistics you read. Having a home security system is irrational and a waste of money - both yours and tax payers when cops show up for false alarms. Strangers will not sneak into your garage when your husband pulls his car out to come up and attack you. The chances of your kid being kidnapped by a stranger are so ridiculously small, they are more likely to die by you crashing your car or a household accident.

So, be rational, argue your political points without panic, own a gun for sport if you want, but not protection, put your energy and money and efforts into having a safe car and a safe house and maintaining a healthy lifestyle rather than worrying about what random strangers are going to do. If you are afraid of strangers, establish relationships in all your realms - your neighborhood, the area you work in, these people will be a much better security system for you than any electronic gadget. Most importantly, STOP being scared of everything!

Of course I have irrational fears too, we all do. I am terrified that a tornado will kill me. But, there is nothing I can do about it, so I try not to freak out and just pay more attention when there is a storm warning. Most the time when I get on a plane I am convinced we will crash, but I know that its irrational to feel that its no more dangerous than a car, so I fly anyways. I think that if I ride in a car without a seatbelt I will die in a preventable way. I think if I ride a bike without a helmet I will die in a preventable way (thanks mom and dad for these particular fears...). I am convinced everyone who rides a motorcycle sooner or later crashes and dies (also thanks Mom I think). I guess everyone has fears. I just wish people would stop wasting energy and money, stop giving power to crazies, just because they are told to be afraid.

Uh.. Rant over. LOL.

Purim and the Book of Esther

There is actually three blog posts I hope to make today, we will see how far I get!!

This Saturday was the beginning of Purim. This is a Jewish holiday that has an annual party in my group of friends. In years past I knew a little about the origins and story, but mostly knew the saying – “drink until you don’t know your right hand from your left” – and that they ate delicious Hamentaschen cookies on the holiday. This year I learned quite a bit more because I headed over to the synagogue and attended the tail-end of the Jewish service that night and the Purim Play, which one of our friends was participating in (he actually turned out to be one of the main roles).

The “service” I am referring to is the reading of the book of Esther in Hebrew. It was quite the experience. Half the people were in costume, and every time that the bad guys name is said (Hamen), the entire crowd boos and makes noise with noisemakers to block it out. There were kids running around in their costumes playing with balloons and laughing. The rabbi’s who were doing the reading were making jokes. They had a green light to tell you when to make noise. It was a blast. You have got to appreciate a religion that knows how to celebrate!!

After the end of the reading we crossed the hall into the social room to watch the play, which turned out to be quite a big production!! It was “Purim with the Beatles” and incorporated Beatle Songs every which way. The story of Purim goes as follows. The King Ahasuerus decides he wants a new wife and orders young beautiful women to present themselves to him. He chooses Esther, not aware she is a Jew, because she is the most beautiful. He also hires her cousin, who raised her, to work at the gate. Her cousin discovers a plot and saves the kings life. The king decides to take on a new advisor, Hamen, who is a bit crazy and asks the King to order everyone to bow down to him, the King orders this. Hamen soon discovers that Esther’s cousin, and all other Jews, refuse to bow to him because they only bow to God. He starts a campaign to hang all the Jews for breaking the law. In order to save her people, Esther admits to the king she is Jewish, he responds by telling all the Jews to not obey Hamen and to fight back. From that point on Jews are safe in the kingdom, and they celebrate Purim to commemorate it.

The best song of the whole play was “A little help from my friends,” hum the melody in your head, and then put these lyrics in: “What would you do, if I said I’m a jew, would you hang up and walk out on me?... If you are a jew, I would say nothing new, it really doesn’t matter to me”. Quite amusing. Our friend performed very well.

We then headed back to the friends house and made merry with tasty food and drink, and good conversation.

On a more serious note, the thing that surprised me the most about the purim story and in general my experience at the Synagogue was the culture of persecution. The story and celebration are all about Jews escaping persecution, and the Engish translation we had of the Book of Esther included footnotes discussing the lessons Purim teaches about the holocaust and people's acceptance of that persecution. To me, it seems like it would sort of be like the Church of England celebrating a day that a Catholic king stopped persecutions, or some protestants celebrating the day that they arrived in America and were no longer persecuted. It is a very odd cultural difference, I think, between most Christian denominations and Judaism. I am guessing it is mainly the difference in the fact that Judaism is not only a religion, but also an ethnicity and culture.

Give Yourself to Love

By Kate Wolf

Come friends all gather round
There’s something I would say
What brings us together here
As blessed as all today
Love has made a circle
that holds us all inside
Strangers are as family
Loneliness can die

You must give yourself to love,
If love is what you’re after
Open up your heart to the tears and laughter
Give yourself to love, give yourself to love

I walked these mountains in the rain,
I learned to love the wind,
Been up before the sunrise
To watch the day begin

I always knew I would find you
Though I never did know how
Like sunshine on a cloudy day,
You stand before me now

Give yourself to love, if love is what you’re after
Open your hearts to the tears and laughter
Give yourself to love, give yourself to love

Love is born in fire,
It’s planted like a seed
And love can’t give you everything
But it gives you what you need

And love comes when you are ready,
Love comes when you are afraid
It will be your greatest teacher,
The best friend you have made

Give yourself to love, if love is what you’re after
Open your hearts to the tears and laughter
Give yourself to love, give yourself to love

You must give yourself to love,
If love is what you’re after
Open up your heart to the tears and laughter

Snowpocalypse

The answer to last week's trivia question, if you are curious, is that OPEC stands for Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries. I know, you are all thrilled with this information.

The big news in Columbus this week is the weather. We had snow over the weekend, as I reported - around a foot in most places. Then, a second storm came through that they said would drop another 8 inches from Tuesday morning to Wednesday evening. It did not pan out to be nearly as severe as predicted, but a lot of people got time off because of it, which is nice. I was not one of them. We did get about 4-5" on Tuesday during the day, but virtually none overnight. After I shovelled on Tuesday night I made a snow-lama (or as DH calls it, a Snowpaca). It was supposed to be a horse, but looks much more Lama-esque. I also made a nice snow angel. In that sense I am glad it did not snow more on Wednesday, because my art is still there for the neighborhood to enjoy. We might be the only house that does not have kids with snow art.

I went back to Trivia last night, since the weather permitted. I was very successful! I actually made significant contributions on two questions, lets see if anyone can answer them:
(1) What two words were combined to form the word "Pixel" ?
(2) What Animal is the character Meeko in the Disney Movie Pocahantas?

Time is rushing by here. We are seriously considering getting another dog (by considering, I mean we plan to get another dog, a puppy to be precise, its just a matter of finding the right one). I need to make a conscious effort to slow down. I turned down an invite for tonight, and thats a start. Its hard because in general I want to slow down, but when I think of each individual event I go to on a regular basis (book club, classics book club, nestie dinner, classic movies nights, beading with J, trivia, project runway, etc), I do not want to give any of them up. It is a matter of priorities that I am still sorting out.

I do have an ambitious reading list to finish by the end of February (the end of the winter challenge) - Ulysses being the most challenging part. I also want to read or finish reasding Living History, Extras, Picasso, Cry the Beloved Country, and as many others as possible. Wish me luck!!

Labyrinth of Possessions

I was going to wait until the end of the month to do an update on how my resolutions are going, but since its on my mind I will do it now. Lets face it, although I have made some minimal efforts, my goal of becoming organized this year is progressing slowly. I was reminded of this when I recently rented and watched the movie The Labyrinth, just for old time kicks. This is a 1980s movie featuring David Bowie as the goblin king who steals the main character's (a whiny, stereotypically misunderstood teenager) baby brother. She has to attempt to get to the Goblin Kings castle and rescue him before time runs out. It also features Jim Henson puppets - note, NOT the traditional puppets, just that style. Anyways, I enjoy it even though its pretty much on drugs. I wonder, it must be based on a book. But I digress.

At one point in the story, the main character finds herself in a garbage dump populated by old women with large mounds of scrap on their back. They take the main character's hand and lead her through a door to her bedroom. In her bedroom, the junk lady picks up some of her prized possessions and hands them to here. "Oh, don't you love this teddy bear? your dad gave her to you", they keep handing her things, she is trying to hold more and more, and soon they are stacking it on her back, she is becoming one of them, a junk lady, distracted from her mission and unable to move around or move ahead in life because of these sentimental items that she places priority on. If this does not say something about materialism, I don't know what does. What a perfect metaphor, we surround our selves with objects, give them so much importance, and sometimes they take over our lives.

That recognized, I am still not ready (or simply not the type) to go on an extreme purge and drastically reduce my material possessions, as is relatively popular right now. It sort of reinspired my organizational goals. It did make me think about the fact that I should only be holding onto items that I either use, or that have great meaning for me, and that these items are only useful to me if they are not holding me back - if they are organized, accessible, and serving their purpose, whatever that might be. So, it re inspired my organizational goals. I think I have to start by organizing my time, and then move on from there, because at the moment, I am being kept so busy by my self-imposed schedule that I am not finding time to tackle the house. Onward to reconsidering my schedule!!

Miss Diplomacy

Its strange.
Amongst my closest group of friends, I am known for being outspoken, not being worried about speaking my mind even if it might upset people. They do not realize how often I hold my tongue.
But, amongst a lot of other people, I am known as a diplomat, someone who finds a way to word things so that people cannot be offended. Someone who does not cause drama.

Somestimes I get sick of playing this role. I see things, read things, hear things, and my gut reaction is to, well, basically state how stupid the person is for saying it and give x,y, and z reasons. You know, say things like "I thought you were more intelligent than that." But I don't do it. I constrain myself. I either hold my tongue, or more often, say what I think about the issue, but not what I think about the other person's idea or the choice of topics. But it gets old. It gets so old, especially if I am in a snarky mood. But is that one time satisfaction that snarking offers worth my reputation as being level-headed and no-drama? Probably not.

So despite my burning desire to list the 4-5 things that prompted this post, I will just leave it at that.

Death Bed

There are tons of little things I have been meaning to post about work - like what I do, what I think about it, how its annoying me that the lunch room seems to get more and more busy at my lunch when it used to be peaceful, how my back has been bugging me. I never get around to it. Some of it is not worth getting around to, other bits are. But today I have a different work related topic for you all, and not a cheerful one.

Today, for the first time, I spoke with a terminal claimant. Most of my claimants have back pain or leg pain or psychiatric problems or chronic pulmonary insufficiency (bad lungs), or a bad heart. Most of them have some level of chronic problem that they have to live with, and if it is severe enough I help them get some money to live on. Today I spoke with a man who does not have a chronic problem he has to live with, he has a terminal problem he will shortly die of. He was literally in his death bed when I talked to him with cancer in his brain, spinal chord, lungs, liver, and many other places, unable to get up without assistance, no longer receiving treatment, and getting help from hospice.

What do you say to that? How petty does it seem to call up and ask him what he does on an average day and how long he thinks he can stand before needing a break? Needless to say I skipped most of the questions we are supposed to ask, they seemed entirely irrelevant. Normally terminal cases are fast tracked so that they can get benefits more quickly and be dealt with before the person dies, they go to a special unit that is expected to get cases out in 30 days or less (I operate on the 90-120 day schedule). I already suspected I did not want to work in that unit, and now I am sure.

Talking to someone who is dying kind of makes you wonder what you are doing with your life exactly, and if there is anything you can do that would make life feel less transient. I am not sure. Now reference the title of one my favorite books - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, and maybe you see what I mean.

Don't worry, I am not depressed or anything, just contemplative and wanted to get it out of my system. I wonder if you get used to it, and if that would be a good or a bad thing.

Snow Isn't Bad

Snow isn't bad, its the Columbus lack of ability to manage it that gives it a bad name. Its not snowing that hard or that fast, the city should be able to handle it. I don't know what genius decided that plowing + salting should not happen until the storm is over, but its just plain ridiculous.

I love snow. Its so pretty and peaceful. Have you ever laid on your back in a snow covered field and stared up into the sky?

Forget the field, I have done this in my back yard and its almost as good. Close your eyes and feel the snow flakes falling on your face. Its so silent outside when there is snow, even in the city. I love it.

I know you are all sick of me waxing poetically about my love of snow but I can't help it, especially when I see so much negativity towards it. I know it can be inconvienent, even when it is properly taken care of, but the inconvienence is totally worth it.