You may have or may not have noticed that I don't like to complain too much on this blog. I mean, I occasionally vent, but usually about little things that don't matter. It is almost like the bigger and the worse the issue, the less likely I am to mention it on here. (Don't be worried, there is not some huge scary negative issue I have been hiding from you, I just would like to discuss....)
Why is that? I mentioned during the high school reunion post that people don't fully represent themselves online and it made me question how I represent myself and why. And I came to the conclusion I avoid putting to much of the negative out there. Why did it take me weeks and weeks to mention that Benjamin was sleeping poorly? Why haven't I mentioned how Benjamin has been sick from day care a lot, how I am frustrated with my job, and how Benjamin keeps getting me sick? I do not omit these things because I am trying to make my life appear better than it is, or because I prefer bragging. I do it, I think, because I don't want my life to appear worse than it is.
We all have them - those facebook friends whose posts are constant complaints. Or those facebook friends who post negative things about something we are jealous of. How often did I despise parents who posted about their baby's poor sleep because I would do anything to have a baby who slept poorly (as opposed to not being able to get pregnant)? I don't post the negative as much because I don't want to give the impression that I am unhappy with my life, because despite any difficulties, I really love my life! Also, I don't want something, like the fact that I am frequently frustrated at my job, to become a "thing", you know, like a basic fact about me. "Oh that's Amanda, she has a 7m old son, lives in her hometown, and hates her job". I don't hate my job, hate is way too strong of a word, but it would easily come to that simplification when people are gossiping, or trying to remember what to ask me about. I would HATE it if I ran into someone I had not talked to in awhile and they asked me "so is your job any better?" I don't want to give people the opportunity to remember that negative thing about me when it really is such a minor part of my life.
So that said, for the sake of realism, I just want to get all of these things out in the open.
(1) Benjamin's sleep has been terrible. And therefore my sleep has been terrible. I had been counting it a good night if I missed seeing an hour on the clock (i.e. If I saw 12 something, 1 something, 3 something, 4 something, and 5 something, but did not see 2 something). Well, since then it has gotten worse for two reasons. First of all, my night time cognition is at an all time low so I keep having issues actually knowing what times I am up and what I am dreaming and reading the clock when I am technically "up". Two nights ago I woke up, thought it was 2:30am and went to feed him, finished feeding him and looked at the clock and it was 12:45pm. There is another night where I spent extra time up trying to take care of him because I was "sleep walking" sort of and thought I was helping put other people's baby's to sleep. Last night in a sleep deprived stupor I conflated his breathing with rows of a spreadsheet from work. So that makes it harder to really even know how good or bad of a night it was. Second of all, it has gotten worse because he has been sick the last three nights. Occasional but ugly coughing and very difficult to lay down (he wants to be held all night). So sleep has been pretty horrible. BUT as I mentioned before, I am still functional during the day, and I still am choosing to have adult recreational and productive time rather than going to bed earlier, so life goes on.
(2) Benjamin has been sick a lot. He has been in daycare for 8weeks now and probably been out 7 days already. Almost once a week. Fever. Pink eye. Vaccines. And right now he is sick as I mentioned, with a cough and runny nose and probably other symptoms he can't tell us about, but he will still be at daycare tomorrow. I can't really stay home from work, so DH has been picking up the slack, and I don't know how we would manage without the help from my parents and family who have been great at taking him for his second days out (always seems he has to be out of daycare two days at a time, once when he is actually feeling sick and once when daycare thinks he is still contagious).
(3) The reason I have not been able to stay home with him is because my employer has HR policies, particularly PTO policies, that are not even remotely family friendly. The worst offender in my opinion is the policy that if I have more than 3 days in a rolling calendar year where I use unplanned PTO (for any reason) - a fourth day where I am sick, or baby is sick, or the weather is bad, or my car breaks down, or anything, - and I will get written up at work, negatively affecting my possibility for raises and promotions. It does not matter if I am using my sick time, I am not allowed to be sick really, and it sucks.
(4) Also I frequently run into frustrating circumstances in my job where no one knows what is going on, or things are broken and no one cares, and they probably dont care because we are cheaper to hire than the people who could actually fix the problems.
(5) And because baby has been sick, I have been sick. Right now I have a headache, sore throat, sore lymphnodes, cough, and stuffed sinuses. Fun. I have had headaches (migraines really) the last three days. (hormonal?). It blows.
OK. Thats all of the negative I think!! Despite everything I said above, I love my life. I wake up in the morning to an adorable, usually smiling baby. I see the beautiful lake. I eat dinner with my loving family, and I watch west wing. What's not to love?