Its nearing 1am and I have been trying to fall asleep for over an hour. I have yet to mention the real event that inspired this blog, mainly because I am in denial that is going to occur in less than two weeks. The dragon I am currently trying to slay is that of PhD Candidacy Exams. Basically, its a test covering the entire field of study that determines whether I can continue on in the program or not. The written exam takes 18 hours over three days (Sept 15th, 16th, and 22nd), and then I have to defend my answers in an oral exam with four professors. I have never struggled with something so much.
I have been "studying" for generals all summer. Really, I have been intending to study for it all summer. I have wasted the entire summer thinking about studying for generals, worrying about studying for generals, pretending to study for generals, questioning whether I wanted to study for generals, and watching bad TV. Its become a living nightmare. I spend all day in denial of what is to come, pretending to study, going to see movies, playing video games, and then when night comes I cannot fall asleep because I am so worried about what is coming, about what I did not get done that day. I have never failed in academia, ever. One might say its my biggest phobia, yet it is like I have spent my entire summer setting myself up for failure. Is it because I am scared of the exam? Or do I want to fail to avoid having to decide about my future? Or perhaps I am just really lazy.
The thing is, there is still time left. I have 13 days. If I crack down, if I really concentrate, that is plenty of time to pull myself together enough to pass. However, even if I work feverishly for the next 13 days, even if I pass with honors, I cannot change the fact that I have thrown this summer away, that it has been a horrible waste of time. I have been told by older students that I will pass generals without even knowing how I did it. I have been told that when I pass generals, all the worry I put towards it will seem for not, that it will be an insignificant blip in the past that I never think about. Some how that is hard to comprehend from the front side of things.
I guess I will head back to bed, see if I have become tired enough that there is no time between closing my eyes and falling asleep in which to start panicking.
4 comments:
I want to copy this post & send it to my husband. This is exactly how I feel about school right now. I can't explain to people, or even myself, why I still don't my classes finished. No answers for you on how to overcome the dragon, I refer to mine as the monkey, but just wanted to let you know you weren't alone. Good luck!!!!
Thank you so much for your comment! I really appreciate knowing I am not the only person dealing with this.
3 days and 18 hours?!?! you are every woman!!
AKY - I'm with you too... That's probably why I'm still awake at the moment. I try to remember the quotation that dad ripped out of the reader's digest and told me to read every day:
"If you wait, all that happens is you get older."
It's really hard to keep that in mind when the information is so overwhelming...
Good luck.
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