The Beginning

Do you have anything that you absolutely dread doing, but then once you are doing it you remember that its not so bad, and maybe even pleasant?

That is how I used to be with horseback riding lessons in the winter. I hated the idea of bundling up, going to the barn, cleaning a horse of and tacking it up, and freezing my toes off as I road it around the arena getting yelled at by the instructor. (We will put aside for a second any jealousy readers may be feeling that I grew up not only taking horseback riding lessons, but that I actually had my own horse for the first 14 years of my life or so). Anyways, I absolutely dreaded that day of the week. But then, we would get up to the barn, and I would remember only then how the horse was cute and the people that I shared my group lesson with were funny and how much fun it is to be on a 2000 pound animal, even if the instructor is dictating what you do while you are up there. It usually turned out to be a fun evening (except on the coldest of Minnesota nights when you felt like an icicle by the time things were through).

Why is this relevant you may ask? Because this is the exact type of relationship I have both with my adviser and with the idea of writing a dissertation in general. I absolutely dread going to talk to my adviser, I picture sitting in his office, being completely caught like a deer in the headlights, not knowing what to say, feeling like I let him down. It is only when I actually buckle down, gather my courage, and do it, that I remember that he is a really nice, supportive guy that wants me to succeed, and my expectations of myself are much more important than any expectations he has of me. Usually, I end up coming out of his office feeling much more sure about what I need to do and how I need to do it.

Allow me to insert this little note about some unimportant things he said before I tell you what I really left the office with. First, he told me there was never any doubt about whether I would pass generals, before, during, or after the oral exams. That was interesting and reassuring considering how long they kept me and how long they made me wait for results. In retrospect, I believe they must have been talking about how I have a very strong orientation towards theory and methods with very little knowledge of the empirical world, and how that might be a problem for my future. Second, in regards to what class I should teach, he told me to borrow heavily or even use someone else's syllabus. This means I will likely be teaching a class on political economy with examples or discussion pieces from areas of interest to me added in (readings on Africa, China, etc), as these are the types of syllabi available. But enough of the small talk.

His real advice today? This is where the rubber meets the road. No, he did not use those words exactly but that is what it boils down to. This is the part of life, or my career I should say, where I have to decide what kind of political scientist I want to be and figure out if I am capable and willing to do what it takes to succeed. I have to decide soon whether I am going to contribute theoretically or empirically to the field, and that is a bid decision. That advice said as much, and probably much more, than he intended. This is the part of my career where I start choosing my own things to read about, and those should be things that I am interested. If I cannot find anything that holds my interest, or I find myself unwilling to put in the time it takes or unable to do what I need to do to succeed, then its time for me to consider another career. While generals was a test of what I know about the field of comparative politics, the next nine months or so is a test of whether I should be doing this. And the best part? There is no right or wrong, there is no pass or fail. There is only me, my life, and a decision of what to do with it.